ordinarypoet.blogspot.com

NEW ADDRESS

2012-01-08T19:42:00.000Z

I've decided to start a new blog somewhere else.

MOVED HEREEEE.

Bye bye Blogspot!

Closure.

2011-12-16T23:17:00.001Z

Dear readers (if there are any of you left),

As you can see, this blog has been inactive for almost a year now. Unfortunately, I have been quite caught up with other projects (and my life, in general) over the past year. Initially I switched the settings of this blog to allow only me to view it, but apparently, there are still some of you out there who are interested in some of the old entries that I may have posted some time ago here. So I've reversed those settings and this blog will remain public.

However, I'd just like to announce that I will not be updating this blog any longer. I am still contemplating whether I should get off to a fresh start and set up a new one, but ultimately, that depends on whether I feel I can find the time to commit myself to writing regularly online. In any case, to those of you who still come here, however (in)frequently, I thank you for the attention and support you've given to my writings, even if you've done so in silence.

For now, feel free to check out my cartoon blog at http://www.afatpenguin.tumblr.com which I update pretty regularly, where I share short snippets of my views on little things in life, told with the visual aid of a fat penguin. :)

Thank you all again!

Sincerely,
Zhi Wei

my take on vernacular education in Malaysia.

2011-01-21T16:47:00.003Z

Note: This article was written for CEKU, the United Kingdom & Eire Council for Malaysian Students (UKEC) magazine, due to be published later this month.

The debate on vernacular schools in Malaysia is often misleading, unconstructive and damaging. I say this because much discourse and opinions about vernacular schools have a dangerous tendency to suffer from oversimplification; you are either for the vernacular school, or you are for its abolition. This is little more than politicized banter – on one hand, it preaches to the choir; but on the other, it unnecessarily stirs up divisive communal frustrations. We must acknowledge that this recurring controversy is deeply-rooted in the convoluted web that is the fabric of Malaysian society – some of which our own doing, others an indirect result of British colonialism. Either way, its complexity demands greater attention and certainly, deeper analysis.

To be clear, this article will advocate no position for or against the vernacular school; rather, it aims to highlight three key issues that matter – culture, nation-building and general quality of education – and to finally assess what they mean for the vernacular school (and indeed, its counterpart: the national school) in the future of the Malaysian educational landscape.

When discussing any Malaysian affairs with ethnic undertones, we must keep in mind one key thing: as much as an idealist would like to believe otherwise, the current Malaysian society does not yet view itself as a collective; rather, we identify ourselves – both consciously and unconsciously – as distinct entities which make up a whole. As such, our perspectives on issues that affect us are often viewed through communal lenses, depending on which entity we believe we belong to and our communal upbringing. This context rings strongly for the issue of vernacular schools, which is why culture should be at the crux of any discussion regarding its condition.

In particular, the survival of the vernacular school is often strongly associated with the survival of the minorities’ culture; in this case the Chinese and Indians. Traditionalists, especially those from previous generations, are usually quick to defend the vernacular school with the idea that it represents their identity as a people. The use of the mother tongue as a medium of instruction is seen to keep the young connected to their cultural roots, and the lessons culturally enriching through history, literature and ethics, all of which are believed to be exclusive to the vernacular system. As such, an attack on the vernacular school is held to be tantamount to an attack on culture.

There are two dimensions to this association. The first one is politically and emotionally charged. Passionate defenders of the vernacular school will not hesitate to express their fears that without vernacular education, the younger generation will slowly forget their own culture and thus their identity. Coming from a national school, I can see where such fears come from: after all, when I compare myself to my peers who underwent vernacular education, they are clearly superior in their cultural awareness. The combination of passion, pride and fear creates an incredibly fragile atmosphere. It necessitates discourse that rises above the aforementioned for-and-against positioning; it calls for empathy and acknowledgement of these cultural insecurities. Put simply, taking this into account, an outright advocacy for abolition is politically unfeasible and counterproductive to the national cause, as it will exacerbate social discord.

The second dimension is more moderate and encompasses both cultural and quality concerns: some segments of the minorities associate the survival of culture with the survival of the vernacular school simply because they lack faith in the state’s ability to effectively protect (let alone execute) the education of culture through the national school system. When juxtaposed against the firmly established and time-tested machinery of the vernacular institutions, some are unconvinced that the national schools can even compete on the grounds of cultural education, let alone provide a superior option. To add further detriment, proponents of vernacular schools are quick to point out that the general quality of education in vernacular schools is simply higher, as evidenced by better results.

While traditionalists and the older generation are concerned with cultural politics, the second dimension is much more reflective of most parents today – they demand a quality, wholesome education for their children, and their children will be sent to institutions that meet that demand. The current status quo – with 90% of Chinese children and 60% of Tamil children attending vernacular schools – suggests that the vernacular school offers just that. Being a student from a national school and a firm believer in nation building, this is personally disappointing but the fact of the matter is, I have little reason to dispute the decisions of the parents.

However, the cause of national schools is all but lost. Merit must be given to national schools because they are potentially superior for nation building purposes. Nation building is a desirable goal because it lays down the appropriate social, cultural and political foundations upon which a country can effectively and efficiently utilize its resources. While the extent to which education systems can be relied upon as the state’s instrument to shape society is a debate in its own right; what is certain, though, is that education systems are a strong reinforcing agent of values and perspectives. In the pursuit of nation building, the kind of values and perspectives we should seek to reinforce in schools should be those which celebrate diversity and recognize each ethnic community’s cultural complexities and nuances. In other words, our schools should be a microcosm of the real Malaysian society.

This idea of nationhood goes beyond sentimental patriotism; from a practical standpoint, the inability of a nation’s own citizens to feel a sense of belonging and a sense of shared destiny can lead (and in Malaysia, has led) to an outflow of human capital. In the domestic economy, lack of a ‘collective’ view can be an impediment to fulfilling our full economic potential as we allow diverging communal interests to constantly act as a destabilizing force – this is becoming increasingly relevant in Malaysia.

With these values and perspectives in mind, the national school is clearly superior. Albeit all its imperfections, the main positive of the national school, as it stands, – from both a national and parental viewpoint – is that it serves as a much better platform for a child to grasp the idea of the Malaysian society; that is, the racially and culturally diverse Malaysia. If we accept that the environment is very capable of influencing the beliefs and behaviour of children, then we must accept that children who grow up in national schools are less likely to grow up in ignorance of their ethnically distinct peers. Consequently, with cross-cultural experiences, they are more likely to develop crucial skills in effectively engaging and communicating with a wider mix of people.

Based on experience of my own and my peers, this is a compelling argument which goes beyond rhetoric, especially when we look at less urbanized parts of Malaysia, where physical communal separation is relatively significant. Again, returning to the idea of schools as a reinforcing agent of values and perspectives, an arguably more ‘Malaysian’ environment is primarily absent in vernacular schools. As a result, those who come from communities with a more monolithic cultural background (a highly common phenomenon in less developed areas) and go to vernacular schools are more likely to reinforce the biased cultural lenses through which they view the world.

Drawing upon these two fundamental elements of culture and nation building, there are important practical considerations for both national and vernacular schools. As national schools are essentially under the aegis of the state, their responsibility cannot be excluded from this discussion. The first step for Malaysian politicians and educationists is cease thinking about what to do with vernacular schools; rather, they should worry more about what to do with the national schools. Even if a one-school system, presumably under national schools, is the final goal, staunch opposition is not constructive.

Instead, a market-oriented view must be adopted; in layman’s terms, since parents dictate the terms of what they demand from the education system, the state must be responsive to these demands. If the state can rise up to the challenge, then surely, on a behavioral level, parents will be incentivized to send their children to national schools. As it stands, there are two primary demands from parents: one, they want cultural education; two, they want quality education. The state must seek to incorporate effective teaching of Mandarin and Tamil alongside the national language, and perhaps even compel every student to master all three languages from a primary level. It cannot afford to attempt to relegate cultural education to the household and assume that it will be sufficient; parents are clearly sending a different signal. In fact, instead of viewing vernacular schools with hostility, the state can be proactive and see how things are done differently in vernacular schools; surely, there are valuable lessons to be learnt by the national school system.

With regards to improving the general quality of education, the state needs to go beyond the idea that more spending is better; in fact, a reconsideration of the way funds are allocated and managed is required. There are two reasons for this.

The first is political; given the delicate state of affairs and the relatively low funding for vernacular schools, pumping more money into the national schools may serve only to galvanize the convictions of proponents of vernacular schools – particularly pro-vernacular parents – that the government cares little for their respective communities. What matters is not whether these claims are real, what matters is that they exist and that they are very legitimate in the minds of pro-vernacular parents, a formidable interest group in its own right. And because of that, the ignorance of these conditions – by increasing spending on national schools while starving vernacular schools of funding – will only widen the wedge between communal and national perspectives. The state’s aim of nation building that strives for a society that is able to view Malaysia as a collective whole will fall on deaf ears if the state itself will not listen to these political fears.

The second involves the systemic problems of our national schools. The state needs to deal with a multitude of things: various incentive problems within the teaching profession, the selection and training of our teachers, national schools which don’t really seem ‘nationalized’ – the list goes on. These problems reflect much wider concerns about the implementation of our educational policies and can only be effectively elaborated in an article of its own (perhaps even that would not suffice). The truth is, many of the less traditional-minded parents would send their children to national schools – if only it would not compromise their children’s quality of education.

As for the vernacular schools, they are clearly in a better standing at the moment. Despite the little funding that they receive from the government, they continue to thrive and attract new students. This displays remarkable resilience on the part of the vernacular schools; their strengths as well as their unique educational culture are valid calls for preservation. Assuming that national schools do rise up to the occasion and eventually provide enviable standards of education, it still does not mean that vernacular schools will become an anachronism in Malaysia.

Having said that, the vernacular schools – as part of our nation’s education services – still have a responsibility in nation building as well. In the collective interest of the country, vernacular schools should detach themselves from their perceived role as the stalwarts of Chinese and Indian identity. Vernacular schools should not be on the defensive; they enjoy success and are very reputable academically – they should exploit this. To be more precise, they should thus actively pursue a wider demographic mix that is more reflective of the national population. Increasingly, more Malay parents are beginning to send their children to vernacular schools – vernacular schools should welcome this.

This strategy projects an important idea: that vernacular schools – contrary to popular belief – are not exclusive to those of a particular ethnic origin. This is important because it would represent a significant paradigm shift: no longer will vernacular schools be viewed as institutions that propagate and defend culture. Rather, they become institutions that are inclusive and offer a unique educational experience.

Ultimately, with regards to the issue of vernacular schools in Malaysia, the onus lies on the national schools (and thus the state) to prove itself as a better option to the general public. The idea of forcibly imposing one-school system under the name of nation building is out of the question, at least until the immense popularity of vernacular schools diminishes – and that is extremely unlikely. Thus, the government today has a clear ultimatum: it can either rebuild the good reputation that our national schools used to carry proudly; or, it can choose to allow that to remain as a forgotten relic of the past. For our country’s sake, I pray it does the former.

prophecy - an entry for the new year.

2011-01-05T15:11:00.001Z

It is always easier to be retrospective than to look forward. Although the multitude of details from past events and experiences converge into a blur in hindsight, the life lessons that they provide become much clearer. With a little introspection, things make sense. In an almost fatalistic fashion, you are able to understand and accept where and who you are today and the reasons that got you there.

But looking forward is a completely different thing; the long term is an overwhelming idea.

I've always been big on having a plan and knowing what the bigger picture is. That has often made me a victim of carrying expectations which are too heavy for my own shoulders. When I think about things that I've planned and how they've turned out, I can conclude that almost nothing has ever worked out the way I planned it. 2010 has been a testament to that.

My first year in university was supposed to be an exciting new beginning in London: meeting new people, getting gigs, being actively involved in things. Instead, I spent the year having little motivation for anything except maybe gym sessions. I was detached from the vast social opportunities in the LSE, and even more so from my education. And then summer came. I planned to get some working experience, but that didn't work out either; instead, I spent my summer travelling and mentally getting myself out of the hole I had dug for myself in the first year.

Halfway out of that hole, I decided that a corporate internship may not be what I want for summer next year. I made up my mind to intern with Grameen Bank in Bangladesh next summer, only to realise a couple of months ago that while I had thought of everything else, I'd forgotten to consider the flight costs: I could not afford it, having spent a lot of my savings on the travels during summer. It was another blow, but fiscal responsibility is a part of my long-term goals. So I had to exercise the discipline to say no, and keep a more open open mind about opportunities that I had otherwise put out of my mind.

The icing on the cake, of course, is that, due to all the last minute hiccups, I might just end up being unemployed for yet another summer! But you never know, really, given the way my plans have (not) been working out.

Ergo, I reiterate, the long term is an overwhelming idea. Some things about me don't change; as 2011 begins, I find myself engaging in a familiar exercise. However, at the same time, so much seems so different. Looking for some sense of order amidst the big mess was, for the most part of my previous years, akin to trying to peer into the future through a massive pile of indiscernible tea leaves. Today they appear more unique. Arranged, even, albeit in a less meticulous and methodical fashion. But at all times, they exude the organic, natural richness of a sturdy, growing tree - each leaf, root and twig a distinct piece of the greater puzzle that is the future.

Maturity. Self-development. Growth. Perhaps it is this that I am going through; but I am sure there is much more to be learned, of course. As I came home to my small hometown of Batu Pahat, most of the things I knew were still there, unchanged despite having been away for almost one and a half years. I recalled a conversation with a friend, who in the midst of voicing his lack of intention to return to Malaysia, had said: "So much has changed; yet so much is still the same." I recalled this because when I returned home this winter, I felt the complete opposite way. So much was still the same, yet I saw a lot of things so differently.

In a way, I was almost grateful for the lack of change, because the time I had been away was used to be able to appreciate the greater depth that existed in my surroundings which I had previously taken for granted. Sometimes I feel that there are so many exogenous changes to our world and it compels us to exert incredible efforts at coping with it. It is almost a superficial effort, for it makes us forget to look within, to grow internally.

I welcome the new year not with excitement, but with a quiet and nervous anticipation. Experience, whatever little I have of it, has taught me that there is only so much that you can plan for. The important thing is your principles, your goals and your dreams. On a personal level, I've never felt clearer on those three things - that is not to say I have lent my current views and aspirations total legitimacy, only that my belief that they are legitimate has grown tremendously.

I feel confident enough to allow them to take root as the foundations upon which I will attempt to design my future. I have no idea ultimately what it will look like, and whether it will live up to my ideals. But I'm okay with that. That, I think, is one of the biggest things I truly learned and internalized last year, that a little perspective goes a long way. You can plan all you want, but in the end, that is the one thing you truly have control of - and it changes everything.

on being 21 and the summer.

2010-09-26T18:45:00.004+01:00

There's something inexplicably heavy about growing older. As children, it's common to want to quickly be done with our childhood, for it is the older who have the luxury of exercising what we see as our natural right of greater freedom, of greater control of our own lives. And as we grow older, we are slowly granted that right, only to finally and sometimes painfully understand that while that right doesn't necessarily have to be earned, its exercise requires us to shoulder the great weight of responsibility.

I turned 21 on the 4th of September earlier this month. It was a very uneventful day - most of my friends still weren't back in London yet, and my friend and housemate had fallen ver ill. Consequently, in lieu of celebration, I had to take care of him and do some household chores! So it didn't really hit me then that I had completed one of the unofficial rites of passage of growing up; I was now legally an adult. I'm not really sure what that means, but I was reminded of part of what I think it does mean last night when I met up with a good friend from college.

I need to briefly introduce her here. Meet Tian Huey, the school captain (or head girl, if you like, I just think the former sounds a lot cooler haha) in KTJ for my year and future Cambridge graduate (first class, I would bet!). TTH (one of the many abbreviations we use to call her) is a peculiar character, but in a good way - it's very hard to put a label on her and she's always been full of surprises. Apart from her tendency to burst out into a slew of lame and sometimes awkward jokes, there is a comfortingly moderate and objective air about the way she carries herself, and there were more than a few instances during my less happy times in KTJ when having her to talk to did a lot to help me gain some perspective.

The last time I met her was last year before I left for the UK, so there was a lot of catching up to do when we met up last night. Among the many random things we talked about, she started to recount stories about how I apparently used to be, and how I projected myself when I first went to KTJ.

I've been told before that on first impression, I (used to) reek of the stench of arrogance, ruthless competitiveness and intimidation. I don't think I've ever truly understood that until last night when she recounted some examples of the things I had said, things I have clearly forgotten. It was quite embarrassing to know that I had used to say those things and for awhile, I thought that I must have been a really terrible person. If I had said such unpleasant things to such a nice person like TTH, I must have unknowingly uttered and done some pretty cruel things to others as well throughout my college life.

I don't know if that was who I really was, or whether it was a facade I had constructed because I wanted to avoid seeming vulnerable, but the point is I can't imagine I was really that bad.

Thankfully, TTH says that I've changed a lot for the better since those days. I was very aware that certain things about me - such as my political beliefs - are no longer the same; some had evolved and others may have changed almost completely. But I guess as a person too, I've steadily grown and matured through a bigger transformation than I even realised. And I guess that's an integral part of growing up.

When you're younger, you have the luxury of being irresponsible, of making mistakes, but the margin for error shrinks over time. But somehow it doesn't seem that way because the wealth of experience, if employed well, should be more than sufficient to point you in the right direction.

And so now I'm 21 years old. I feel like a new phase of my life is starting very soon. The summer is pretty much over now in London, and as I look back on how I spent it, I don't think I have that many regrets, really. It didn't turn out in any way that I had planned it. Before summer started, I had this idea that I might be interning somewhere, gaining 'work experience' and meeting more people. None of those ideas translated into reality. Instead, I ended up unemployed, gained experience in housework and spent most of my time on my own, and the rest with people I already know.

When I ask friends and acquaintances who did the things I was planning to do, most of them either hated it, said it was boring, or unenthusiastically said it was alright and then, almost defensively, add that it was a 'good learning experience'. It doesn't sound exactly like the green stuff that envy is made of. But then again, perhaps this is me giving myself excuses not to regret my decision not to go back to Malaysia.

One of the pictures from my short vacation in Bath a few days ago. View more photos here.

All said and done, I think I've had a fruitful summer. I did some reading, spent time alone to do some soul-searching, wrote and travelled to quite a few places (Venice, Milan, Oxford, Istanbul and recently Bath). None of these add anything to my CV or my social network, but on a deeper, personal level, I think I've discovered a few things about myself that I otherwise wouldn't have.

So maybe this summer of quiet solitude was the perfect build-up for my 21st birthday, for being 21 means you're moving on to a new stage in your life. And that's about getting a deeper understanding of who you are, of what moves and inspires you, what makes you smile and what leaves you vulnerable. It is being able to see beyond the flesh to see the ugly flaws and yet feel completely comfortable in your own skin, because you know the story behind each scar.

And in knowing yourself and who you have become, you feel a freedom much more superior to the one that you had wished for as a child, because you realise that there really is so much life left to be lived.

Happy 21st birthday to me. :)

sempena hari kemerdekaan.

2010-08-31T02:00:00.001+01:00

When it comes to nation-building, I believe that the way a country's citizens perceive themselves collectively as as a people is of great importance.

In Malaysia, that perception is extremely difficult to achieve. We are a troublesome bunch, we Malaysians; whether you like it or not, we all grew up in different socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds. We come from different communities, each with its own cultures, religions and sensitivities. Consequently, depending on whether we're Malay, Chinese or Indian, we all view our nationhood in our own unique perspectives, making it a complex and demanding task to establish a sense of a common identity as one nation.

Does this mean that a truly unified and progressive Malaysia is nothing more than an ideal?

If recent news is anything to go by, our inner cynics would happily (and conveniently) conclude that Malaysia and all her glorious dreams have gone down to the drain. I believe that all of us have been at some point in our lives, or are, to a certain extent, guilty of that.

I reject this conclusion. True, recent occurrences have been nothing short of bleak and sometimes bordered on the ridiculous (Ibrahim Ali. Need I say more?). But pertaining to my earlier statement about the importance of our shared perception as a people, I believe that we cannot let ourselves be so easily misled by the events of late.

I know many fellow Malaysians who are deeply angry and frustrated with Malaysia; they are pessimistic about Malaysia's future and would not hesitate to use any of these events to substantiate their claims that leaving is the best option. And yes, there have been many of such events, the latest being the issue of a non-Muslim being in a mosque. But while we must not fail to acknowledge them, we must be extremely cautious not to let it define how we see ourselves as a nation.

Put aside these reported incidents for a moment, and ask yourself, what is the Malaysia that you know? What is the Malaysia which you have experienced on a day-to-day basis throughout your lifetime? Who are the Malaysians that you know, that you've built relationships with, that you've come to appreciate, respect and love?

These are real experiences, real relationships, and indeed, a very real side of Malaysia. It is our Malaysia.

My perception of who we are as a nation is defined by my answers to these questions, and that perception continues to be refined as I go through new stages in my life.

I have met many different kinds of characters, allowing me to see beyond the racial or religious stereotypes that I once had of other communities. The kind of progressiveness and willingness to engage in open dialogue that I have seen among some of my peers is sometimes surprising, but always inspiring. The cynics often say that Malaysia is a lost cause, but I see so much hope and real potential for practical change in some of the people that I've met and had the privilege of having friendships with. Above all, there is a shared conviction that we can bring this nation to greater heights.

But at the same time, I've also met those who have fit the profile of a stereotypical Malay, Chinese or Indian. In fact, more so than often, this happens to be the case. As such, it commands equal, if not more attention. When I meet these personalities, getting to know them and hearing their stories gave me a deeper insight as to why these stereotypes exist today. The ability to empathise with another human being, let alone an entire community, can change a great deal of how you look at things.

In Malaysia, I think that being able to empathise means that you can admit that in this country, we are still very intricately and subtly connected to our separate ethnic identities. It's realising that any attempt to come up with a solution to a problem must begin with us seeking to understand why that connection exists in the first place, and then work our way from there.

The issue of scholarships is an excellent example to illustrate this: a Malay and Chinese student/parent would view the issue with significant differences and biases. Many Chinese people I know are quick to argue that the system is racist and even 'useless', but honestly, how many of us have tried to understand the reasons behind affirmative action? How many of us can say that we've went down on the ground to personally witness the realities of the rural Malay populations in our country? And how many of us have thoroughly considered and weighed the consequences of having a fully-meritocratic system in place in Malaysia?

I am personally undecided on the extent to which affirmative action should be used in Malaysia, but I do believe it is arguably necessary. But we'll leave that debate to another day.

My point is that, as Malaysians, we cannot choose to view the country as a whole through a parochial, monolithic viewpoint. If we do so, we are no better than the Ibrahim Alis of this world, we are merely on the other side of the debate. In lieu of the blatant ethnocentrism which dominates Malaysian politics, let us as the people of Malaysia exert greater efforts to understand each other's perspectives, and then work towards a more common destiny.

I'm a strong advocate of the idea that social issues have systemic roots, and thus systemic solutions. No doubt, issues such as the quality of Malaysia's political leadership, her judiciary and education system merit much discussion.

But this Merdeka Day, I have decided to leave those issues to more qualified and able writers, because I would like to believe that little things that everyone is capable of -- like a conversation over coffee, or even a blog entry! -- can make a significant difference.

This Merdeka Day, I ask you, as I did earlier, only to take a moment to remember what Malaysia has been for you. Then perhaps we can hold our heads high and our hearts together and cry, Merdeka, merdeka, merdeka.

istanbul: part two.

2010-08-23T00:20:00.002+01:00

"Come down here, closer to me! Now you talk to me. Is it your culture to talk to someone from far away?" The man was obviously offended, and he made no effort to conceal it.

Very reluctantly, I gave an apologetic smile and walked down the steps into the shop. I had enquired about something that was being sold on to of the steps, and it did not cross my mind to go down first. Although I did not enjoy being lectured about my social etiquette on only my second day in Istanbul, I was still quietly embarrassed to have been told off like that. Admittedly, he had a point - I should have been a little more polite.

Nevertheless, my ego didn't surrender immediately. How arrogant of him, whispered my pride. Coupled with stories that I heard about Turkish men who apparently constantly harass female tourists, this man did not give me the best first impression of the Turkish people.

Over the next few days, I would come to realize how wrong I was, in the very same store, albeit by another man - the shopkeeper himself.

***

Sameed was his name (the spelling could be wrong though). The shopkeeper was probably in his late 30s and he spotted a well-trimmed beard, much like many other Turkish men. A jolly-looking fellow, and despite not having the most perfect set of teeth, he always greeted us with an honest, welcoming smile. "You again! How are you today?", he would later exclaim, and after learning of our nationality, he would sometimes greet us with the slightly more familiar "Assalamualaikum."

I remember him well, not so much because we stopped by his shop every day to replenish our water supply, but rather, Sameed projected the best of the general public in Istanbul. He was very friendly in a way that displayed a warm and genuine interest in Istanbul's visitors. He would often give us some sweets or candy when we dropped by the shop, calling it a 'present'; once, he proudly demonstrated to us that he could say the same word in several different languages. I think this is one of the things you'll notice about the locals in Istanbul: they take pride in getting to know their visitors. And what better way than language?

When you take a stroll on the streets of central Istanbul (especially across the row of restaurants under the Galata Bridge which connects the old and new parts of Istanbul), you are bound to be stopped by the shopkeepers, waiters and just about anyone else, really.

JW and I were often greeted with konichiwa, followed by anyong-haseyo, followed by ni hao. Haha, at times it was pretty amusing to see them try to guess where we were from - they seemed to have quite a bit of fun themselves doing just that. Personally, I think they must have found it intriguing that we weren't either Japanese, Korean or Chinese!

There were quite a few instances when the locals made an effort to stop whatever they were doing to have brief conversations with us. They weren't trying to sell or promote anything; all they wanted in exchange was to know where we were from, and how best they could greet a Malaysian (I decided on apa khabar, which they then repeated delightfully). And with just that, they would happily wish us well as we went on our way.

What surprised me even more was that when locals noticed that we looked a little lost, or were having some difficulty finding our way, they would readily come over to ask if we needed some help. And it was generous help which we would receive, no strings attached. Sometimes, the feeling was slightly surreal.

Throughout my time in Istanbul, I constantly reflected on my earlier reservations and prejudices about the Istanbul locals, and really, just strangers in general. I have been raised to believe that as a rule-of-thumb, you do not trust strangers and that generally, people do not extend a helping hand without expecting something in return. While it is true that there was once or twice that the generosity seemed suspicious, but more often than not, it was very real.

People fish regularly on the Galata Bridge!

In a few days, I discovered that there was a Sameed somewhere, everywhere I went in Istanbul. Sometimes you have to look for it, sometimes they come to you. The point was, the same kind of genuine friendliness that Sameed showed us was almost as ubiquitous among the Turkish people as the their bright flag was among their streets. I realized that there was much to be learned about people on this trip.

Every day, I would have an encounter which would make me wonder how exactly did we turn out this way, so cynical and hesitant to trust a fellow human being. Well, I knew the reasons of course, and as I mentioned earlier, I had heard real stories of very dodgy encounters with the locals in Istanbul. But the generosity with which I was greeted in Istanbul, at least most of the time, was real too. I could not discredit it just because it was more convenient to go with what I was fed as a child.

Speaking of childhood, it's ironic that on one of the days when we walked through the local neighbourhood near the old Byzantine walls, we bumped into a bunch of enthusiastic, energetic Turkish kids. Believe it or not, people have even told me not to trust the children in Istanbul, because apparently, some of them are trained to pick your pockets while you're distracted.

Well, thankfully, I was told that after I had left Istanbul, otherwise I would never have had this picture (and I didn't have anything stolen, just in case you were wondering). And it was more than a picture for me, it was a very memorable moment in my time in Istanbul. In fact, I've probably shared it with everyone I was keeping in touch with while I was there. Whatever lessons of distrust I was taught when I was younger, these children certainly didn't go to the same classes with the same teachers. They had no hesitation whatsoever to come and talk to us, even though we were sticking out like sore thumbs in the neighbourhood (we saw no other tourists). They even attempted to start a conversation, with whatever English they knew.

In the end, they gave us their address and asked for us to post the photograph to them. I should really get to that one of these days. I tried to picture myself as a 12-year-old, and whether I would have done the same had I been in their situation.

And then I figured that I would probably never had the opportunity of such a situation when I was their age. It made me a little sad to think of it.

***

These new encounters healed some of that confidence in the better side of people which has taken quite a beating in my lifetime. It reminded me of what Muhammad Yunus wrote which I read recently, and it was the idea that human beings have an innate desire to do good. While I find Yunus's beliefs in general exceedingly (and sometimes shockingly) idealistic, I do agree that at some level, human beings have an intrinsic want to do good things, if you like.

Ayhan Usta, a goldsmith of a dying breed. He didn't speak a single word of English, but he was happy enough just to (visually) share with us his work.

I was really glad and, at times, moved to have been treated so well by the locals in Istanbul. It certainly made my trip a lot smoother. But more importantly, it taught me a very important lesson. We live in a society where we're too preoccupied with what we could lose. Consequently, we try our very best to protect ourselves from that loss, and we build a great wall. It protects us well, but as the distance between us as individuals magnifies, we become suffocated as a people. We become trapped.

Being in Istanbul, being surrounded by that atmosphere of honesty and openness, I relearned that a little bit of faith never hurt anyone. We have very little to lose if we believe in it just a little bit more.

The tragedy is that we hardly even bother trying, and therein lies the biggest loss of all.

***

istanbul: part one.

2010-08-15T01:45:00.007+01:00

(Note: This entry will be rather long, and understandably so, because a place like Istanbul deserves nothing more than one's best efforts at describing it. This entry, in particular, will focus on the sights in Istanbul; the next one will be about its people. For more pictures, do take a look at my Istanbul photo album on Facebook.)

History is omnipresent. As oxymoronic as it may sound, you just have to look around hard enough to find it, be it in the everyday happenings of the people or the manner in which politics fashions itself in a society. In Istanbul, I didn't have to look very hard at all to find history; I was constantly surrounded by it.

Among 21st century Muslim societies, Turkey's is probably one of the most modernized. It is most markedly so by its practice of secularism, upon which the modern republic was founded. Interestingly, one only needs to take a brief stroll in the old streets of Istanbul to see how much of its non-secular past is still existent today, cautiously preserved and tactfully promoted to the curious passerby, tourists and travellers alike. One would have thought that for a country that can be so aggressively secular, a lot of this would be gone by now. Apart from the fact that history, in the shape of tourism, generates considerable revenue, the Istanbul landscape boasts of an understanding on the importance of the past - that you cannot escape it, and that there is much to be appreciated, and even more to be learned.

A lot of people have asked me: why Istanbul? Before I go on about my trip, I think it's important to explain my reasons. It wasn't because I thought it'd be an 'exotic travel destination', in case that's what some of you were thinking. My interest with Istanbul runs much deeper than that. I would point to two personal events which ultimately (and unexpectedly) culminated in my visit to Istanbul last week.

One, when I was studying (you guessed it) history in secondary school. Back then, while I found most of the chapters on Islam incredibly dull, the parts about European Islam always intrigued me - in particular those of Istanbul/Constantinople and Spain. Here was a great Islamic civilization, where knowledge prospered and religious tolerance was a principle - things we still aspire to achieve today, particularly in this day and age.

The second event was when I was preparing for WSDC; my research (and personal interest) in religion had led me to learn of modern Turkey's secular roots (some will remember the protests in Ankara of 2007). At that time, I was hugely ignorant about most things, including Turkey. But my own beliefs against institutionalized religion made me extremely curious about this country.

So when Jian Wei asked me if I wanted to go with him one is one-month sojourn of Europe, Istanbul immediately stood out for me when I looked at his list of destinations. Going there would be very costly by my standards, and being the ever-cautious person that I am, I was initially hesitant and needed some persuading. Eventually, I decided that if I was ever going to go there and see this mysterious place for myself, what better time than now?

And that's why, last week, I got on the British Airways flight to Istanbul. (Thanks, BA, by the way, for not striking when I needed you not to.)

***

On day one, I was severely lacking in sleep; Jian Wei and I had to wait at the airport from the previous night as we had an early morning flight. We were both quite tired, and it didn't help that we had to walk everywhere in the scorching weather in Istanbul, which was over 30 degrees celsius. The heat accentuated our exhaustion. Malaysians should be used to this, but being away for a year (and two, in JW's case), can make a pretty big difference. Talk about a warm welcome!

We headed first for Sultanahmet, the central area of the Old Town in Istanbul, because that was where we were staying. Upon arrival, we were quickly reminded of why we came here, and why exhaustion was no excuse. The main sights like the Hagia Sophia and the Blue Mosque stood proudly as testaments to great architecture, and they were only a stone's throw away from our hostel.

Armed with some background research and Rick Stevens's guidebook to Istanbul, we enthusiastically marched into different destinations over the six days, from mosques and churches to markets and museums - each telling its own story with a unique appeal. There are too many of them to compress into a single entry, so I will talk briefly about most of them and leave out the less significant.

***

I was most impressed with the Hagia Sophia (pronounced "ah-yah soh-fee-yah", which was incidentally the first place I visited. The exterior is deceivingly simple and unimpressive, but the interior is a wholly different story.At times, I think I actually had to remember to breathe! Here's a couple of photos to give you an idea (I will share my personal thoughts about the Hagia Sophia in greater detail at the end of this entry).

You are greeted by vast, golden dome in the nave. The windows around the dome create an illusion of a 'floating' dome. Magical.

A stunning view from between the pillars in the nave. (This photo was taken by JW)

And then there is the famous Blue Mosque (also known as Sultanahmet Camii - pronounced "jah-mee") which earns its name by the use of blue Iznik tiles to decorate its rich interior.

Interestingly, there is also a significant usage of stained glasses, which are more commonly associated with cathedrals. I've always thought that part of the appeal that religion has is in its amazingly crafted architecture and designs (and I have a personal preference towards mosques, because I think they make use of geometrical, abstract art a lot more than cathedrals - this is due to the fact that Islam doesn't allow the use of representative imagery).

I would think that if I were a Muslim, I would be immensely overwhelmed every time I make my prayers at a mosque like the Sultanahmet Camii.

And of course, the Topkapı Palace (pronounced "top-kah-puh") which was the centre of administration for the Ottoman Empire. The palace, too, was very intensely embellished - I particularly enjoyed the Harem.

At one of the courtyards in the Harem

The immense crowd at the palace made the experience a little less pleasing though, because a lot of waiting and shoving between sweaty bodies was involved!

I also visited the Grand Bazaar, which was a shimmering, colourful labyrinth of a marketplace, selling a wide range of products. Carpets, genie lamps and lanterns vibrantly decorated the bazaar. I also tried the famous, thick Turkish coffee there! Turkish coffee is really powerful stuff, and requires a little bit of skill to drink. Needless to say, JW and I failed at it (although I would argue he had a bigger failure than me haha) - when we finished drinking, we still had quite a lot of residue in our cups. But despite that, it gave me a much-needed jolt of energy! The Spice Market, another famous sight in Istanbul, is like a smaller version of the Grand Bazaar - except that it primarily sells, uhm, well, spices.

I also went to Istiklal Caddesi (Independence Street), which is kinda like their Oxford Street except that it has more food and it still oozes a very local appeal. Speaking of food, as any good Malaysian traveller would know, no trip is complete without a sample of the local culinary flavours! Predictably, both of us decided to have a little food adventure whilst we were on Istiklal Caddesi. So here's a very short section on the different kinds of food that we tried.

Izgara Kofte - grilled meat, served with pickled chillies, tomatoes and dipped in chilli paste. Yum yum.

Deep fried mussels, anchovies and calamari. Served with salad and (not in the picture), sea bass from the Bosphorus Straits. Not exactly mind-blowing, but pretty good too.

Other stuff we sampled included: (A) Iskembe corbasi/Turkish tripe soup - made from intestines (of sheep, I think), served with garlic, chilli powder and vinegar. May sound revolting to you, but it's really good. In fact, thinking about it now makes me hungry! (B) Turkish ice cream - stretchier and stickier than normal ice cream, it's quite a different ice-cream experience. (C) Lokum/Turkish Delight - a famous local candy. Not for those who don't like stuff which is too sweet; personally, it was very yummy! :D (D) Iskembe Kebap/Tripe kebab (I think) - pretty decent as well. Certainly beats the crappy kebab they have everywhere in London, haha. (E) Baklava - another sweet, Turkish snack. I didn't particularly enjoy it because, well, I'm not a big fan of pastry in general. Haha.

***

However, at the end of the day, the Hagia Sophia stands the tallest amongst all of Istanbul's main attractions. For me, it tells the most interesting story. There are few places in the world where intricate Christian mosaics can rest next to elaborate and splendidly crafted geometric designs of Islamic art.

True, this exists more so because of how it was once a church and then converted into a mosque, rather than because the two religions tolerated each other. But that doesn't change the fact that it is truly an incredible sight, and surely, in any beholder's eyes, one worthy of beauty's crown.

And even when the aesthetic appeal has worn off (although it certainly didn't for me), there is much to be reflected upon whilst one appreciates the view inside the Hagia Sophia. I think it serves as a powerful illustration of what society can achieve when it learns to rise above the religious differences in search of a greater, common good, while holding strongly to the fundamentals which makes each religion its own.

I briefly recalled the attack on churches in Malaysia earlier this year, the incredulous controversy about the use of the word 'Allah', and my heart sank a little. In our time, and especially our time, I think all of us (including myself as an atheist) too readily take the easy way out by taking extreme stands, choosing to diverge on important problems because the message is, quite simply, easier to convey that way.

Perhaps the key is to first better understand what you disagree with, before going deeper into your own beliefs. And as an atheist, perhaps that's why Istanbul always held such a strong attraction for me; perhaps it explains how I decided to go there.

For me, the beauty of the Hagia Sophia demonstrates how convergence, or the middle ground, is not marked by the surrender of one's core ideals; but rather, by going on a very difficult and complex path of learning to achieve greatness side-by-side, while preserving our personal opposing ideals.

And it is a greatness deserving of struggle, patience and if necessary, compromise.

***

kitchen adventures and other uninteresting tales.

2010-08-05T09:37:00.006+01:00

Life is easier to be happy about when you have fatter, fluffier pillows.

Apart from purchasing new pillows (which affirms the declaration above), I've been busy turning into a housewife. Cleaning the house, buying groceries, cooking - the only thing missing is me taking freshly-baked cookies out of the oven. And mad energizer bunnies running around throwing the cookies everywhere. They're also known as kids. ...okay, I don't really think of them that way.

Cooking has been a lot of fun though, I've been learning new tricks and perfecting old ones. I've always been a Malaysian through and through when it comes to my taste buds, so in an uneventful summer, there is great satisfaction to be had by successfully cooking a Malaysian meal.

I give you, chicken curreh with pratha, steamed rice, boiled eggs and very nicely arranged cucumbers!

I cooked that for a few friends who came over. For more pictures of my adventures in the kitchen, see my Facebook album Kitchen Experiments. Interestingly, the pictures of my cooking have generated considerably more attention and comments as opposed to the music and Youtube covers I put up on Facebook. I'm not sure whether I should be sad or happy about that, haha.

My mother, too, saw a photo of this on my Facebook and concluded that I must have used ready-made ingredients. How utterly saddening! Haha. Well, I don't really blame her considering I didn't even know how to cut a friggin onion before I left home. And just in case you're wondering, I made the curry from scratch. :)

As you can tell, I'm (understandably) quite proud of myself. Hahaha. But this is only the beginning! :D

Oh, if anybody missed my update on Facebook, I recently wrote a parody of Streamyx and Autotune. All Malaysians shall understand the grievances expressed in the song! Haha, listen to it with the lyrics here at ordinarypoetsings, it's called The Streamyx Anthem.

This weekend, I'll be heading to Istanbul until the 13th. I'm getting really excited about it now that it's so close. Hopefully, it'll be a good experience. I probably will not be updating until I come back because I'll be busy reading up more about the place and planning my trip.

Speaking of which, I decided to add a widget on this blog (see right) to keep track of what I'm currently reading; partially, it's there to remind myself that I need to finish reading them. But if you have any suggestions of what I could read based on the stuff you see there from time to time, feel free to just drop a comment and let me know. I would appreciate it. :)

Until next time, that's all for now from Ze Chef Zhi! :D Haha.

oxford trip.

2010-07-20T20:30:00.002+01:00

When I headed to Oxford more than a week ago, I was hoping for a getaway of sorts; a brief escape from the routine and familiar, if you like, to where I could find some quiet and get some reading done. I certainly got that, and then some - thanks to my very gracious (and excessively stressed, I argue) host, Mr Ang Jian Wei!

I stayed in Oxford's Magdalen College for a week, where I bunked with Jian Wei in his ridiculously lush room (there was a piano in it, for goodness sake! And it was overlooking a deer park, wtf).

Magdalen College

My first two days were spent exploring the more prominent places in Oxford with JW as my guide (if anybody needs a Malaysian tour guide, go find this guy while he's still there haha).

There is much history and tradition about Oxford, and with it, I'm sure, a great deal of pride for those who are studying or who have studied there. Until recently, I have never really gave much thought about why history and tradition matter. Other than its day-to-day educational process, I think these two elements play a big part in making Oxford what it is.

"Just remember who used to walk these streets," JW repeatedly said, echoing his professor's reminder. And it is a remarkably humbling feeling to keep in mind that you are in the same place that many other great leaders, academics and thinkers once were. And the fact that its colleges are very well-preserved adds to the atmosphere. All that tradition... a stark reminder of why you're there. I think if I were a student at Oxford, I'd even feel compelled to preserve (and hopefully, build upon) the rich heritage of the university.

I was supposed to busk with this random Australian dude. But then it rained, WTF.

These were not just passing thoughts, they struck a very personal chord with me. I think these things never came to mind during my first year because of how commercialized the LSE is. Anyone who's walked through Houghton Street on a weekday during an academic term will understand what I mean. Endless posters on internships, career oppportunities, and not to mention, the holy grail of investment banking. Was this what I came here for?

I guess the whole environment of the LSE had influenced my views on education in a very career-oriented, stereotypical fashion, and those who know me will understand that I am a person who finds stereotypes extremely gray, unattractive and demotivating, much like the London winter weather. But in Oxford, amidst its calm and all its history, I easily recalled the kind of ideals I used to have (and still have, albeit with slight differences) about education; it is one of passion, enquiry and the tireless pursuit of knowledge.

Within my first two days in Oxford, I realised that I had some serious soul-searching to do. There was a lot of thinking to be done on my part, about what I wanted out of my two remaining years. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't spent my first year very well and I intend to see my last two years off very, very differently, starting from now.

This is not to say that the LSE does not have the faculty or the facilities to for me to pursue my educational ideals. While Oxford is probably ahead of the LSE on that front, I think my first year, which I regard as pretty much a failure, was not so much a failure on the part of the institution but rather, due to my own lack of initiative and effort. Too long have I spent my days and weeks passing the time wastefully. Not even on hedonistic, pleasurable pursuits! I would perhaps have a case if I had been busy going after the latter! Haha.

Had I not gone on this unplanned trip last week, I don't think I would have had the peace of mind to just sit down and think thoroughly about this. This was another thing I learned - the value of solitude. Moving into my new place has had an incredibly positive effect on me. Just the notion of having a single room again, of being able to to just be alone - it has made me feel as though I have reclaimed a lost part of me. I know I sound melodramatic, but I'm sure those of you who really appreciate having your own space will empathise.

And of course, it was fun to catch up with an old friend! I often look back on the good times of preparing for WSDC. I think my life would have been truly different if I hadn't had that experience. Although I generally disagree with JW's irregular sleeping routine, I must say that sometimes, in lieu of a good night's sleep, a good night's conversation goes a much longer way.

I returned to London after the trip feeling quite refreshed and ready to start my second year anew. I've been quite fortunate to scrape a first-class for my first year (only a few percentage points above the threshold for a first-class grade), and I must not let that good fortune go to waste. Grades aside, there is much knowledge to be learned, and much experience to be had in my remaining two years.

The Radcliffe Camera & All Souls College

The LSE's motto goes rerum cognoscere causas, which means "To understand the causes of things". I think my trip to Oxford has strongly reminded me of why I took my scholarship, and what I came here in the first place - the pursuit of a true education. And more importantly, that true education does not come easy, and will not if I do not have the discipline and courage to go looking for it.

a few words about Venice.

2010-07-07T22:37:00.006+01:00

She had a very cheerful disposition. As she chirped excitedly away about Venetian history, she exuded a bright, positive vibe. It was a stark (and much needed) contrast to the dismal weather. It'd been raining endlessly for the past 48 hours, not exactly the ideal climate for exploring the narrow, maze-like zigzags of Venice. It was uplifting to see that our tour guide wasn't the least bit discouraged by it.

A gloomy view from the Rialto bridge

I am not a well-travelled person, so I may be erroneous in my judgment - but I found her to be an excellent tour guide. She was a very passionate storyteller, telling every tale animatedly. You could tell she was truly proud to be part of such a rich heritage. It was a kind of pride that I don't see very often in people.

But there was a kind of weariness about her eyes that not even her picture-perfect smile could not conceal. It wasn't fear - it was more of the knowledge of a saddening inevitability. Venice may well be falling apart, quite literally. It has always been sinking due to rising sea levels, but more recently, that process has accelerated considerably, possibly due to global warming and the melting of polar ice caps. Also, due to geographical reasons, the walkways and tunnels are getting narrower and smaller.

I was (un)lucky enough to witness a mild flood - known in Venice as the Acqua Alta

She explained how more and more shops are becoming increasingly difficult to maintain, causing Venetians to abandon the place. It didn't help that there was a concurrent rise in the rental costs of the Venetian shop-lots - I can't remember the exact figure, but I recall being absolutely staggered by the amount.

When you walk around Venice, you'll be bombarded by amount of tourist-y shops, most of them selling pretty much the same thing: Venetian masks, ornaments made of Murano glass, lace and other souvenirs. She sadly told us how it used to be different; there was a time where it seemed more like a home, where the shops sold to meet the everyday needs of the people. But with an overwhelming proportion of tourists to Venetians at any given moment, most caved in and ended up selling up tourist goods instead.

I took a moment to consider how heartbreaking it must be for a proud local as herself to watch her beloved home slowly ebbing away. It's a very saddening thing to think about, even for me, an outsider.

I thoroughly enjoyed my trip in Venice, despite the bad weather (thankfully we had two days with extremely lovely weather - the final three days were worse than London!). It's certainly a place with many unique stories and mysteries of its own; my only regret is that I did not take an effort to read up about the place before I went there.

I've decided that the next time I'm going to travel somewhere, I'm going to make it more than just a casual trip - instead, I want it to be a learning experience. To use one of those annoying karangan idioms, tak kenal maka tak cinta. And how very true. Enjoying a foreign land must surely lie in some measure of preparation to first understand where it is exactly you're going. I can't believe I did not realize this sooner.

My next major stop is Istanbul, next month, with Jian Wei. I've always been fascinated by Turkey, so I'm really looking forward to it. It should be fun! :)

Meanwhile, here's a Malaysian cover from me. Zainal Abidin's classic Hijau. :) Forgive the crappy loghat Kelate! I triedddd.

some thoughts.

2010-06-24T22:58:00.004+01:00

Today, I was reading Pinkpau's entry on why on some days, she considered shutting down her blog. In it, she says: "I'm spending less and less time on the internet, and more time in the real world. Also, less and less time in my own head, and more time in the real world."

Well, I'm not really spending any less time on the internet or in my head than before, but every time I come to this dashboard, I still can't seem to write anything particularly inspiring or constructive. So much for the spirited revival of my blog! I seem to disappoint myself every time I create a new post. Most of the time, it comes to the same result: backspace, backspace, backspace, close window - and that's if I wrote anything to begin with.

And then there's the real world. What is the real world? We spend a big part of our early years up till young adulthood preparing ourselves for the real world; or rather, getting prepared for it by someone else, or something else - parents, peers, schools, politicians, institutions. We're repeatedly told that something is important for the real world, and how things are not 'the same' in the real world. No one ever really explained to me what the real world is, and what makes it more real than a lingering dream in my head.

It's kinda like how when we learned history for SPM, they spent a lot of time telling us that Malaysia was a democracy without explaining what democracy meant! And to me, really, like democracy, the real world is, at times, little more than an ideal.

I am a firm believer of how people's ideals are primarily shaped by their personal experiences, as opposed to a systematic process of reasoning. We rationalize the beliefs we develop about the world and how it should be, if you like - beliefs that are built from acceptance or rejection of personal events, upbringing, community and natural environment.

This scares me sometimes, because it makes me think about the possibility that we are all inherently tempted to be dogmatic. How many of us actually can think and act beyond the limitations and obligations of this concept of the 'real world' that we've grown up to believe? It's like some sort of lifelong indoctrination. The idea of the perfect job, the perfect life, the perfect family. And practicality is always key.

But when you think about it, you can make good sense of the seemingly unrealistic alternatives. It really is all in your head.

And it's a constant personal struggle between what I believe should be ideals and what I've been taught to believe. Is it better to wear yourself out, struggling in a seemingly losing battle?

Sometimes, I wonder how things could have turned out differently.

dublin and youtube.

2010-04-09T22:32:00.004+01:00

(Yeah la I know I have zero creativity when it comes to blog entry titles)

I just realized that my recent entries have revolved quite a bit around the subject of music. You guys must think I'm obsessed! *le gasp* But before I go on about music (again), I'd like to briefly talk about my trip to Dublin last week! :D

There were no specific reasons as to why we chose Dublin as our destination, other than the fact that flights to other places we wanted to go to were too bloody expensive! *long dramatic sigh* O, the toil of student life!

But regardless, I had a wonderful time in Dublin... mostly I think it was because I didn't have to think or worry about anything (other than what to eat for my next meal - food in Dublin is exorbitantly priced man!), but I guess that's the main idea of having a holiday right - to have an escape. And it was lovely because Dublin wasn't all hustle and bustle like the overtly commercialized streets of London.

So these were the things that we did: Visited Guinness factoryyyy, drink Guinness, visited Kilmainham gaol, went on a 3-hour walking tour with a very lively and interesting tour guide (Androo he reminded me a bit of you haha don't know why), went on pub crawls which involved more Guinness, ate quite a lot of ice cream, WENT ON A CARRIAGE (whoohoo! fun fun), hung out a lot at Temple Bar and drank some more Guinness.

As you can see, Guinness was an integral part of the trip. Hey, it's Ireland, for feck's sake!

I didn't do that many things, actually, but I think that was part of the appeal of the whole holiday; I don't like the idea of going somewhere and then having to rush to fit things into a crazy schedule to see this and that and whatnot. I'd rather go to a few places, chill and have a good time with good company, and that was what I had in Dublin. :)

---

In other news! I have recently made a decidedly worthwhile investment in a new microphone - the Samson C01U USB Studio Condenser Microphone! I probably have been thinking about getting a better microphone since I was, what, 18 years old. Three years down the road, I have finally stopped procrastinating and got to it. I've been slightly obsessed with it in recent days and during my breaks between studying, I've been recording videos to put up on YouTube!

The audio quality is sooooo much better now. :) I'm so happyyyyy!

I have since revived my YouTube account by putting up some videos (visit my channel here). Here are two of them - 28 Days and a cover of MJ's Man In The Mirror. :)

28 Days (Original)

Man In The Mirror (Cover)

The other two that are up so far are Jackson 5's I Want You Back and Man Bai's Kau Ilhamku; I don't think I need to promote the latter any more, Pinkpau has very very kindly shared my video in her latest blog entry, and consequently, the viewcount skyrocketed like crazy overnight! :D Thank you so muchhhhh pinkpau! :)))

Anyway, if you guys like what you hear, do share it with your friends or subscribe to my YouTube channel. Lots of love and appreciation to those who have been so supportive so far, you know who you are! :)

camden gig - success!

2010-03-30T15:38:00.004+01:00

There is something unexplainably intoxicating about being on stage, playing somewhere you've never been before, to a crowd that's half-filled with complete strangers and musicians who've had plenty more experience than you. There's so much expectation, so much uncertainty... so much possibility.

I think probably that's one of the reasons why I love performing so much - it's that commanding sense of purpose, which isn't only self-serving but serves the world around you as well. When you're up there with the lights flickering on and off, you can't see much of anything - you just know that the audience is there, you feel their presence, and their anticipation as they wait for you to deliver.

On Sunday night, I had the pleasure of that experience at my very first gig at the Fiddler's Elbow in Camden, London. How it came about was all very rushed and last minute - my lead guitarist Nithi knew somebody who was part of the organizing committee for the headlining band Couple, and said that they were looking for opening acts. We decided to go for it, and that was that - we had only one week to prepare for it, but being musicians above all else, I guess that when it comes to music, we like to believe in the impossible. Or at least I do!

Over the past week, we quickly assembled possible songs to play and came up with a setlist which went like this (in order of performance): 1. So Julie (original), 2. This Love (Maroon 5 cover), 3. Sweet Child O Mine (Guns 'n Roses cover), 4. 28 Days (original), 5. Bad Romance (Lady Gaga cover) and 6. New Shoes (Paolo Nutini cover). We probably had, what, 3 or 4 practices, and as a whole band we only had one practice I think. Haha. But I'm lucky because my bandmates are incredibly talented musicians. I don't think they read this blog but hey if you guys are here, Nithi, Jesh and Nathan - you guys are fully awesome!!!

The setlist was heavier than we would have preferred, because ultimately, when I started the band, I had a lighter sound in mind. But hey, when opportunities come along, you've got to seize them. So since it was a rock concert, we decided to go for slightly heavier songs (although I've probably come to discover that I need a lot more practice if I'm going to sing more rock songs in the future, haha).

I'll put up the videos for 28 Days and Sweet Child O Mine here, the rest are on my Facebook (So Julie, This Love, Bad Romance, New Shoes). Drop a comment if you have the time; I would really appreciate it.

28 Days

Sweet Child O Mine

I don't know if I performed well enough - in retrospect, I definitely have some doubts. I think my vocals were probably a bit off here and there. But I think the most important part of all of it was I've never had that much fun on stage before.

For 30 minutes, nothing in the world mattered except having a good time and jamming with my band and the crowd.

A big thanks goes out to my wonderful bandmates, amazingly supportive friends who came over from their UKEC event to watch us play, and of course, my very supportive sister who came to watch her lazy brother play guitar and sing - terima kasihhhh! :D I love you all! :)

one more day to Camden gig.

2010-03-27T14:05:00.004Z

Tomorrow will be my first-ever gig. :D I'm playing with my band - Nithi on lead, Jesh on bass and backup vocals, and Nathan on drums. Been very busy preparing for it this week, due to the last minute nature of how we got the gig... but expect a proper update (hopefully with pictures and a video or two) about that soon. :)

Until then, wish me luck for tomorrow!

p.s. if you're wondering what we're playing for, we're one of the opening acts for a concert by a Malaysian band called Couple, who are on their UK tour. The facebook event page is here, or you could visit their official (I think) page on the tour.

EDIT: :((((( Due to goodness-knows-what, our band has been pushed forward to the first slot at the last minute, meaning that we'll have to play when doors open. WTF. Which means people probably won't give a shit that we're on stage... To make matters worse, because of a clashing event involving a lot of Malaysian students in the UK, people who bought tickets to came to see us now can't. :( This is so stupid.

Sigh. Just have to try and rock out and have fun tomorrow.

inertia.

2010-03-13T17:57:00.003Z

This is officially the first (and only) decent picture of me performing.

Thank you Jianhua for taking it!

Last night I performed at LSE's Malaysia-Singapore Night - it was some talent competition; unfortunately I didn't win it. The winning entry was this amazingly talented group of 'hip-flop' dancers who called themselves The Fellaz. You should watch their performance. In the words of Russell Peters, it didn't blow my mind, it blassteeedd my mind. Hahah.

They definitely deserved the 100-pound cash prize. I'd stuck to my bare basics, playing Man Bai's Kau Ilhamku and one of my own, Love Song For Later (you can watch my performance here on Facebook). It was a lot of fun nonetheless.

But I think the highlight of my evening was when I was backstage with The Fellaz. I was just playing some Justin Timberlake tunes and then one of them started to beatbox with it and another started to do some improv dancing. It was some really wicked stuff. Hopefully we'll collaborate in the future to do some kind of acoustic/hip-flop thing, it'd be fully awesome!

Anyway, this blog has been increasingly abandoned since I left for London, and it's not because I've been terribly busy. Quite sadly to say, it's been quite the opposite. I don't know what's happened to me... some days I just feel like I've really lost the drive I used to have back in college. You know, to get myself involved in things. Other than music, of course, that never really required much discipline, haha.

I mean, my first year is pretty much over by next week, and I feel like I've done nothing, and I've felt increasingly lost about where my course and career is going. The only achievement I can think of, really, is the fact that I've managed to drag my ass to gym consistently 4 times a week since I signed up.

I seriously need to pick things up. Generally, I've been just keeping afloat with everything - that includes my academics. Not very safe. Other than a short vacation in Dublin during the Easter break, I'm going to be a complete nerd during the upcoming holidays, otherwise I will face the unnecessarily embarrassing consequences of failing my first year in university!

London, what are you doing to meeeeee. :(

Actually, it's more like, what am I doing to myself. Ajhagsdjhagsd.

I think I'll start to get things going again, starting with this blog. :D

on religion, protests and firebombings.

2010-01-09T14:03:00.004Z

I was going to publish a New Year entry above all else, but I simply cannot ignore the recent happenings in my country. For those who don't know, four churches have been firebombed in Kuala Lumpur, concurrent with fiery demonstrations by certain Muslim groups following a High Court ruling that allowed The Herald, a weekly Catholic paper, to use 'Allah' as a translation for 'God' in its Malay language section. News about this has even been published in non-local media; this includes the New York Times and CNN. Talk about bad publicity.

Most of you who know me would be familiar with how unabashedly I profess my fervent disagreement with institutionalized religion, so problems arising from religion, especially if they are relevant to my homeland, are something I will definitely try to write about.

To be honest, when I initially read about the issue, the thing that baffled me first was why 'Allah' had to be used, albeit its usage by Christians in other countries, when another word like 'Tuhan' was an option. In terms of religion, I cannot see how the ruling tangibly helps or damages anyone's faith. Surely, the power of faith must extend beyond the use of a word? Having said that, I realize that I've never been very religious or knowledgeable about the Bible or Quran, nor do I believe in God in the first place, so probably I am rather insensitive towards the (perhaps) important differences in using different words to address God. In other words, it's incomprehensible to me why it would even be a matter of contention.

But let's put that aside for another discussion. I think that the fire-bombings and protests of late transcend the issues that I personally have against institutionalized religion. Rather, I think of them as a culmination of distasteful politics (and politicizing of religion) we have had over the years.

Forget about the bombings. Just take a look at the nature of the protests. Why is it accepted elsewhere that Allah be used in the Christian context, but so aggressively opposed by a number of Malaysian Muslims? The fact that it is so opposed over here suggests that what afflicts us is not a religious issue, but a domestic, sociopolitical one.

To me, this reflects how the hegemonic thinking that is illustrative of UMNO policies and unhealthy media (read: Utusan) has rubbed off on some of our people. It is the falsely predicated belief that the constitution, the courts and most of the time, the government would and should protect or even encourage this mentality of superiority over other minorities. It is intolerant, backward and downright stupid. Excuse my crude description, but I like to think I still have some freedom of speech.

But perhaps, as a friend said, this could be a good thing in the grand scale of things. I think a big part of what has happened is also a culmination of pent-up feelings of hatred amidst Malaysia. You know, the sort that your mother tells you not to talk about because you might get arrested. Things to do with freedom of religion, of expression. Perhaps in light of such horrible acts, it would compel the people as well as the incumbent powers to deal with these issues more openly, instead of hushing our complaints again into an uncertain, dangerous silence.

a disjointed ramble on nothing in particular.

2009-12-18T13:25:00.004Z

You know how some bloggers just seem to be able to write those long, meaningful and thought-provoking entries. It seems so personal, so effortless, it always makes me feel like coming here and write something like that, because it always makes me feel like I've got something to tell the world too. Only difference is when I'm at my blogger dashboard, all I hear in my head is this big, inaudible buzz of scattered thoughts and memories.

What used to be something I do to survive the monotony which is my regular London day has now become something I draw inspiration from. Sometimes, reading what others write can be so much more liberating than writing itself. I don't know, perhaps I've never been that good of a writer; friends and acquaintances occasionally ask me to help revise their personal statements, application essays and whatnot, but I've always thought that my ability to help with that has never been so much of one that I would call writing. I may be pretty decent at feeding off other people's ideas and experiences and rewriting them, but I'm quite starved of my own I think.

But the point is, I am finding this process of reading and digesting what others have to say so much more enjoyable, and fruitful at times. Especially when they say something I can relate to. And sometimes reading it is even more satisfying than writing about it myself, because being the perfectionist that I am, I'm always dissatisfied with something I write - language, content, structure, whatever. Maybe that's why people ask me to critique their essays. :P But I like to think that this satisfaction stems from the fact that when someone writes about something I am familiar with, and expresses it so eloquently and honestly... it's like I don't even have to say anything to be heard. Because someone's already been listening all this while. I am understood, just like that.

When I was younger, I thought that university was the place you go that ultimately prepares you for the 'real world' and educationally, somewhere for you to find perhaps your niche, for you to realize which path you're going to be on in the future. As I grew older, university just became another means to an end; or rather, a means to prevent an end i.e. unemployment. Now that I'm in university, I only feel like I'm in an enormous black hole - everything is just being sucked in at too quick a pace for me to even grasp or appreciate anything. A dark spot in a dark sky. An invisible state of limbo.

Is this a phase that everyone goes through?

I find myself deriving greater pleasures from even simpler things as I grow older. A few days ago, I cooked chicken curry for the first time and had it with naan; it was surprisingly fulfilling. Obviously, it turned out pretty well! I was really happy for the rest of the day. Genuinely happy. Like I had accomplished something, albeit the simplicity of the accomplishment! I don't know what to make of that... part of me tells me that it's an affirmation of how uneventful my life has been that I jump in glee over a successful dish, but another part tells me that my celebrations were justified, and perhaps - at the risk of sounding banal, I say this - it's the little things that count.

Happiness is really hard to find. Right now, I want to run off somewhere, isolate myself from everyone and all that is familiar to me. I want to be in a place where I can be a comfortable stranger; I'll bring my guitar with me, some paper and a pen. Just write a few songs. I wouldn't achieve anything, probably, but it could be interesting. Sounds very hippie-ish, I know. Don't label my impulses!

Anyway, I don't even know what this entry is about anymore. Until next time.

barrier.

2009-12-02T11:14:00.006Z

A friend of mine in London told me a story recently. He had been on the KTM, and he saw a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian sitting next to each other; they were all deaf and spoke to each other in sign language. The train ride had otherwise been silent.

I would have liked to have taken a picture of that.

london bridge is falling down.

2009-11-18T12:59:00.002Z

London mornings are uninviting. Nothing seems truly alive as I take that 20-minute walk to university every day. I'm a stranger here, and so are a lot of the other Londoners, but having something in common doesn't really mean anything when everyone has something to do, somewhere to go.

We've all got big, important things to do, and god, those traffic lights are annoying as hell. One after another, one after another. Our world is pulled to a sudden stop and I like to think that we're all observing each other quietly, wondering where our place is, searching for some hint of interest and colour in our surroundings, but most of the time, I find myself where I was the day before, just drowning in dull hues of cloudy grey. The green light comes on and we're on our way again. The sad thing about this is, it's not even disappointing anymore.

Every day, I walk past a few homeless people, fishing off the sympathy or generosity of the public. It always reminds me of that Boston Legal episode where Denny Crane shoots a homeless guy with a paintball gun, much to the disapproval of his best friend Alan Shore, who happens to be a staunch Democrat. I am also reminded of my social policy classes and what I've learned about welfare systems. Speaking of which, I'm getting back my first social policy essay back tomorrow. I wonder how I did. But I digress.

I've been hesitant to answer questions of how I'm doing over here in London. Most of the time, I lie. The fact is, my life in the big London city is... lonely, dry and uninspiring. A mass landscape of cosmopolitan ...grey. I couldn't think of another colour which looks like grey. I've never been very good at descriptive writing, really.

But not all is bleak, of course. Every couple of weeks or so, I look forward to 10 minutes worth of stage time at an LSE open mic event. And for that 10 minutes, I sing my heart out, leaving the stage with a renewed sense of who I am. That's what I love about performing; when it ends, you get the feeling that everything is just starting to begin. Like you're a new person. Anyway, until I manage to get my band together (which is a work-in-progress) and start getting gigs outside university, I'll have to hang on to that.

I miss college. Amidst the unnecessary melodrama, at least there was some measure of life. And things were so much easier, really. Maybe I just haven't found that here yet.

And here's a random thought: I think people get lonelier as they grow older. Go figure. Meanwhile, I wrote a rap song with swearing in it. Me so cool now y'all. :P If this entry bored you, try listening to the song at ordinarypoetsings. That's the only compensation I have to offer to you, dear reader.

Cheers from London.

Can you say... Budget 2010?

2009-10-23T23:56:00.002+01:00

Forget about the Budget 2010, I found a much more interesting thing for you to read! :D

Taken from an article in The Star (Italics are my own comments):

KUALA LUMPUR: Who in their right mind would pay RM42,320 for a laptop?
(Uh... no one?)

Kolej Kemahiran Tinggi Mara Balik Pulau in Penang not only paid the price but bought two units of the same brand – Acer Aspire-5052ANWXMI, at a whopping price of RM84,640, said the Auditor-General’s Report.
(...oops. Shame on me for being wrong!)

In addition, the college purchased 450 units of computer CAD with network card at RM3.45mil for 12 labs. Each 19-inch monitor costs RM8,500 while a 17-inch monitor costs RM7,500.

“A check with local companies showed that the market price for the latest model is between RM5,350 to RM6,500 each. Worse still the computers, Precision 390 Dell, that were supplied are no longer in the market,” it said.

Also purchased were 15 laser printers, Hewlet Packard P3005X, at the price of RM7,722 each when the market price was about RM5,000 per unit.

In reply, Mara said the equipment were purchased in a lump sump and there was no price breakdown for the laptops.
(What the fuck. Can somebody explain to me what this means?)

The price breakdown was only done after the equipment was supplied for the purpose assets record and it could not be used as a basis for reference.

“Nevertheless, Mara has created a task force and is conducting a price adjustment for all the equipment,” it said.

The report also stated that the college had paid between RM1,398 and RM2,945 for 204 teaching manuals.

“Checks found that the teaching manuals supplied were bound using comb binding. The teaching manuals obtained at a cost of RM358,476 is a waste because they were never used,” it said, adding that the supplier has been notified to provide the original version of the teaching manual in hard cover.

Mara also spent RM2.08mil buying computer software it didn’t need.
(I think this is my favourite sentence in the whole article.)

[For the unabridged version of this horrifying tale, click here; my blog can take no more!]

With such bizarre and exciting events back home, who says it's hard to keep reading Malaysian news? :D

I love fast internet.

2009-10-17T16:01:00.004+01:00

I found this profound, moving and beautiful presentation by Benjamin Zander on TED. It's over 20 minutes long, but trust me, it'll be worth your time. This includes readers who don't have the lovely luxury of speedy internet which I am enjoying here in London, haha. :)

His presentation said a lot of things that I usually say about what music means to me, and what I think music means to people in general. And that's not a self-absorbed attempt to put myself on the same ground someone as accomplished as Zander; rather, to demonstrate my point about the wonder of music, which is its transcendent, universal value which allows it to reach out to the hearts and minds of many, especially to those of the ordinary people of the street.

More importantly, the manner in which he speaks about music is deeply inspiring. It is purposeful, empowering and sincere. This is what I call passion; passion which we should all aspire to discover within ourselves. Sometimes, I think it could be the highest (and rarest) value one could achieve: to live with passion. Because, as I've mentioned before, I can't think of people I know who can tell me genuinely that their day-to-day living experience holds a greater meaning which extends beyond their everyday routine.

What a saddening thing to know.

The London entry: as a result of much procrastination.

2009-10-06T15:56:00.000+01:00

A million apologies if you have been waiting for me to update about London!

Unlike most other entries you will find on the blogs of 1763512735123 other newly enrolled university students, I will not be adhering to the standard blogging procedure which is putting up random pictures of the London people/architecture/me with famous landmarks/whatever. Why? Because I'm such a non-conformist and I'm cool like that.

...Actually, I just haven't been taking pictures. Ha ha. :P

I figured that since I'm going to be here for three years, I have plenty of time to snap the same kind of photos that every bloody tourist/new student seems to have on their Facebook profiles. Sometimes, the tourist-y camwhoring process can be so self-indulgent that we forget to appreciate the finer details of our environment for what it is!

Speaking of which, the street performers here are amaazzinnggggg! There's nothing street about their performances, I tell you. Especially the ones at Covent Garden! There was this male opera singer once - initially, I was completely sceptical, but as I got closer, it quickly turned into an overwhelming feeling of awe and respect. Such showmanship! Such talent!

Now if only we had something similar in Malaysia. ...but it'd probably draw Rempits like a moth to a flame, which would ruin the whole environment, really. And I think Malaysians aren't too generous when it comes to paying the street performers, without which the street performing scene would not be able to survive. :( *long deep sigh*

By the way, if anyone's wondering, I think my dreams of busking in the streets and tubes of London are GONE. :(((( ...Legally, anyway. You see, you need a license to busk around here, and I checked the UK government website; they're not accepting applications for buskers anymore! :( So my only option is to do it illegally, haha. What say you?

On the not-so-hippy and slightly more academic front, my lectures have already begun. I'm currently taking four courses: 1. Accounting, 2. Economics, 3. Mathematics and Stats and 4. Foundations of Social Policy. The fourth is an outside option which isn't final yet, really. I have the choice of picking and outside option because I don't want to take a fourth maths course... I haven't confirmed my choice because there's a pretty diverse number of courses to choose from. See Paper 4 here to look at the approved list of outside courses that I can choose to do.

I'm very interested in doing a language course, but it adds to many hours to my week, which I'd rather spend doing other things on my own time. And then there's politics! Economic history! Philosophy! Social policy! Choices, choices! So many things, so little time. :(

Now I have to run again. Laundry calls.

first entry from London!

2009-09-27T11:08:00.001+01:00

LONDON IS GOOOOOOD.

Will update soon, I promise! :)

ordinarypoetsings is up!

2009-09-18T17:03:00.006+01:00

ORDINARYPOETSINGS.

I have finally set it up! To my dear listeners yang disayangi, from here on out, everything related to my music will be posted in detail on the website above. Lyrics, musical inspiration, random information, etc. :) I want to share my music with the world, so tell all your friends! :D

Also, I have a new song; it's called So Julie. :) For more information, click the link!

If you're not interested in my music, eh, well. Then you can go back to your mental squishing of my Raya penguin. :P

because you know you love ma flippered flightless birds.

2009-09-17T17:03:00.006+01:00

My penguins have been missing in action from this blog for too long. O penguin! With the power vested in me by Faber-Castell colour pencils, I resurrect thee!

Ta-dah! Did anybody miss them? :D I made a card out of the drawing later on, which I gave today to Kak Ros from Bank Negara, who has been receiving endless phone calls everyday about our contracts/medial reports/flight tickets/x-rays/bank drafts/etc.

(I know, I'm so nice right.)

Anyway, I'd like to wish an early Selamat Hari Raya to everyone. :) May this Hari Raya be free of unenlightened half-wits who enjoy parading the streets with the heads of certain animals. And pretty much anything else of that nature!

The past week has been extremely nerve-wrecking for me. I've been struggling with the bureaucracies of several institutions in my efforts to obtain all the necessary documents for my flight and education in the UK. For those of you who don't know, September 23rd is the big day: the day when I leave this land of glorious, unhealthy food for the country where everything tastes of potatoes. Actually, that's just what I've heard; I've never been to the UK before. Haha.

Okay, so this update was really short. Frankly, I just wanted an excuse to put up the penguin. You may all now proceed to mentally squish the penguin now. :P

vote for your Malaysian representative at One Young World!

2009-09-14T10:35:00.009+01:00

Last night, I made a deal with Florentyna (this name keeps coming up in my entries, doesn't it. Wtf) to sign up for this if she did. It's called One Young World.
What is OYW?

"One Young World is a platform to engage and inspire the young people of today - the decision makers of tomorrow. It will help them to adopt a position of leadership on the challenges facing the world today and in the future. One Young World taps into a global resource of new ideas that demand hearing." - Read more at the OYW website

Well, she registered for it, so I kept my end of the deal by putting up my profile on the website as a candidate.

OYW aims to bring together at least 2 delegates from 192 countries to express their views on global issues at the OYW Inaugural Summit which will be held from 8-10 February 2010 in London. The chosen delegates will be discussing six key issues at the summit:

Developing Political Leadership for a positive future
Global Business and its role in shaping society through the economy
Inter-faith dialogue
The Environment and its protection
The Media, its changing identity and its power
Global Health, its polarities and impact

Essentially, candidates with the most votes are most likely to attend the event. I think I'm hardly the ideal candidate for this sort of event, but I guess there's no harm in trying. :)

If you'd like to support me or other fellow Malaysians who are trying out for OYW, go over to the Malaysian candidates' page and VOTE! :D It's very simple; you'll be able to vote as long as you have a Facebook account. :) Also, tell other Malaysians about it, especially those whom you think may be a viable representative for the Malaysian youth!

aku suka makan kek.

2009-09-13T13:03:00.003+01:00

So I went back to KTJ with Qays a.k.a Hot Stuff for the weekend to watch House Singing! On the whole, I'd say it was quite a close competition this year. Sadly, my old house Nadzimuddin didn't manage to secure a place among the top 3 this year! :( But I'm still proud of you guys; you all did a great job last night! And to the non-upper-sixths, don't worry - you guys still have next year.

I felt quite sad when I left KTJ yesterday because I realized that I won't be going back there for at least a year. KTJ has definitely given me many memories worth remembering and, not to forget, really important lessons about life and people as well. I know I'll really miss my former housemates as well as my juniors both in and outside the Sixth Form. :(

Anyway, enough sad, sentimental stuff. The previous night, I stayed over at Florentyna's place!

Discovering our inner spirituality. :P *cough cough*

She was supposed to help me take some photos for the new blog that I'm working on for my music, but due to crappy weather, chocolate and the distraction of fun and interesting siblings, the photo-taking session didn't happen at all. Dash underscore dash. Nevertheless, I had a really good time over there!

Because I think Florentyna's posted an unbeatable-y meaningful entry on her blog about all this before I did, I'm going to do something I haven't done a long time on this blog. LISTS! :D

Zhi Wei's Penguin List of Random Things he did on September 11th at Florentyna's:

1. Eating Florentyna's home-made chocolate fondants! :D Yumyum.
2. Doing Scooby-doo impressions.
3. Doing more Scooby-doo impressions at command, wtf. Much to the amusement of the Leow sisters.
4. Watching a strange but interesting (and confirmed banned by PAS) rock musical, Hedwig And The Angry Inch.
5. Failing miserably in persuading Florentyna and Adrienne a.k.a Apple to watch Saw. I reiterate: WATCH SAW!
6. Being the penglipur lara of soap operas, other stories and scary (fascist) camps. :P
7. Being the hopeless victim of lame jokes and puns. Some of which I only comprehended after like 5 hours.
8. Being the hopeless victim of Apple's tendency of putting random hats on me. Wtf.
9. ..."Oohhh yeahhh tonight we gonna make loveeeee" ROFLMAO! I should have gone on a Wednesday. Hahaha.
10. Played this Guitar Hero-esque game called Rock Band. Mengwtfkan experience. Digital musicking is harder than real instruments, I swear.

There were a lot fun and random more things that I did, but as George Carlin says, 10 is a good number for lists. (Especially if you're trying to make a new religion) The point is. I MISS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I DID. :((

Faster lah, adopt me as your brother.

To end this post, I'd like you all to meet Apple. She calls me Paper. Go figure out why. She is also the latest (and only) follower of my overused facial expression in 1289371923 of my photos. Do the Zhi Wei! *grins* Way to go, Apple! :D

mengroflmaokan stuff.

2009-09-07T10:49:00.005+01:00

In my previous entry, I mentioned a comedy act introduced to me by Joe. As promised, here's a very short entry about my newfound obsession: Flight Of The Conchords!

Winners of the 2007 Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album, Flight Of The Conchords is a duo from New Zealand comprising Jemaine Clement (left) and Bret McKenzie. Being the unproductive potato that I am, I took the liberty of Youtubing more of their performances after hearing a couple of their songs. Although the first two that I heard are still, personally, the most impressive ones, you should go look them up if you're into humorous music. Or is it musical humour? I don't know.

Can I also just digress for a moment and say here that the whole distinction between the use of 'ou' and 'u' by the Brits and Americans is extremely annoying? Colour, color. Humour, humor. Likewise for the whole 'se' and 'ze' thing. Oh, get over it already!

Right then, now that that's out of the way, here are two of the best videos I've found so far. To fully appreciate them, don't just listen; watch their facial expressions and actions! :D Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Flight Of The Conchords!

Business Time (Live)

Mutha'uckas

the birthday entry.

2009-09-06T14:31:00.001+01:00

Birthday celebrations have never been a big thing in my life. Not because I don't want them to be; rather, I've been conditioned not to make a massive spectacle out of every additional year of my existence. Come to think of it, celebrations, in general, have never been a big thing in my family!

Having spent most of my pre-post-SPM years at home, most of my birthdays passed in a very insignificant nature; I'd probably be online, asleep or doing something that I don't really want to do. Last year's was probably one of the worst; it was in KTJ - to begin with, I was sick. Then, I had lessons the whole day, after which I had loads of House Singing work which ended only at 11 p.m. Horrible stuff.

My last memorable celebration was in secondary school. It was during my SPM trial examinations - we were having papers for Modern Maths that day. Which was, in itself, a birthday present, I suppose. Hahaha. Okay, math-prejudiced comment. :P My closest friends in school surprised me with a cake and then a bunch of friends from the sixth form baked me another one! :D

This year, I decided that I wouldn't spend my 20th birthday at home. If I did, I know what I would be doing - OD-ing on the MD (none other than Mr Misery Gregory House) in between munches of unhealthy amounts of junk food and online conversations with random people on Gmail or MSN. Hence my decision to celebrate my birthday in KL.

One of my best friends in KTJ, Tze Chiang, had initially called up people I knew behind my back and planned a surprise gathering on Friday night. Unfortunately, his damn boss wouldn't let him off work that day, so the super-last-minute changes resulted in a gathering of much smaller proportions. Quantitatively speaking, anyway. There were only three of us!

So on Thursday night, we ended up buka-puasa-ing at Soul'd Out with our good friend and former KTJ housemate Qays a.k.a HOT STUFF! with the big exclamation mark. Hahaha. It was fun, meeting up with Qays again! Personally, I'm much fonder of meeting up with people in smaller groups - seven or eight people, would already be too much for me - because I think things are a lot more personal and genuine that way. And you get to have actual conversations with people, instead of random topic-hopping, spacing out or bad pick-up lines.

Later on, I hung out with Tze Chiang's good friends. (They are your good friends right, Chiang? Haha.) I don't really know them, but it was fun too in a very random sort of way. He and his friend Kevin decided it'd be entirely appropriate to buy two candles from 7-11, set them alight on top of a cup of Maggi, and sing Happy Birthday REALLY loudly at the mamak.

I still have the candles! :D Oh, and Tze Chiang bought a bottle of Bacardi as a birthday present for me. Hahah, it reminded me immediately of 50 Cent's In Da Club. Yo, shawty, it's your birthday; We gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday. Hahaha. Now I can go scare my parents and tell them I've terjerumus-ed dalam lembah maksiat and have become a pathetic, dependent alcoholic. :D

The next day, I was supposed to go perform at the open-mic cafe Lepaq - but Zamir (YOU YOU YOU!!!!) had some transportation problems, and it didn't happen. SADNESS! :( :( :( Bazir je, bawa guitar ke KL. Damn heavy you know the guitar case.

Thankfully, I was able to make other last minute plans, which turned out to be pretty good! :D

I met up with Andrew, Joe, Emily and Su Ann in KLCC that evening and was duly enlightened by Su Ann and Emily on the concepts of The PJ Kid and The KL Kid. Apparently, I'm a PJ Kid because I have strict parents, good grades and had music lessons. *le gasp* Except I'm an atheist, which is, according to Su Ann, a very un-PJ-kid characteristic. This is all very mengwtfkan. Somebody give me a handbook next time. By the way, guys, are these terms a creation of the US Gang or is it a general KL thing? Haha.

There was also this really cute kid at Little Penang Kafe. He kept popping up at random times. Haha. *squish*

After that, Emily and Su Ann left, so the remaining three of us went to watch Up. If you have not watched this movie, please do. It's some pretty brilliant stuff, yeah? :D I loved the ideas; they were original and had a breath of fresh air. I also loved the fact that despite how random and fantastical the whole story was, it had small but significant tinges of reality with which I think most of us can relate. Like I said, go see it if you haven't, because you're missing out.

As a finale to the night, Andrew, Joe and I had a mengROFLMAOkan jam session at Andrew's place. Joe got his two guitars and we were soon randomly playing riffs and making up songs about Special Branch, BN, ISA, and other silly things about Malaysian politics.

Joe also introduced me to this comedy act which does the whole i-sing-about-random-funny-things, except they take it out of their homes and make thousands of people laugh. And they get paid to be silly. Haha. I will be writing about them in my next entry, most probably. We are thinking of working on a similar project, except I have no idea how, because I am The Sesat One who's going to the UK. :(

And that was how my birthday went this year. About 1287361826318236182 times better than the alternative plan to OD on MD. Haha.

Frankly, I still do not know what birthday celebrations mean to me. What I do know is it's great to have people around on those days, because even though it is essentially a celebration of self, I think I would like to be reminded each year of the friends I have and the new people I meet. People who care.For me, that speaks great volumes about each additional year of a person's existence.

Happy 20th Birthday to me! :) I had a wonderful one.

new song - everything just fits!

2009-09-02T15:57:00.005+01:00

I'm heading down to KL tomorrow until Sunday to celebrate my birthday and meet up with friends and if things work out, go perform at Lepaq. :D Meanwhile, here's a filler post with a new song I recently wrote called Everything Just Fits. :) As usual, your thoughts are most welcome. :D

EDIT: By the way, I have decided to put up a separate blog for my music. I have not set it up yet, but I will when I get back from KL. So keep a look out for that, dear listeners! :)

EVERYTHING JUST FITS by Zhi Wei

You come waltzing into my world
Got the right steps and the right rhythm
everything to make me weak
Don't be dancing on your own girl
I'm dying all alone but
I'm thunderstruck and
I can't even speak

PRE CHORUS
Won't you come on over dear
Say the words I wanna hear
and make me shine
Cause I'm a loser for your lines
and you know I can't decline
Just tell me you're gonna be mine

CHORUS
The way you know me, hun
is like you brought the missing piece
It's nowhere else to be found
but on your lovely face I see
And where you've got me is
just the place I want to be
Where everything just fits
for you and me

Think I've been just wasting
my time just wandering
aimless in the haze of places I don't know
Let me the essence
for your effervescence
now that I've found what I've been looking for

PRE CHORUS
CHORUS

BRIDGE
Could I lay beside you
just fall asleep and dream
Forget about everything
I know you're what I need

CHORUS

---

merdeka entry.

2009-08-31T03:48:00.001+01:00

52 years ago, Tunku Abdul Rahman recited in the Merdeka Proclamation, among other things, that this nation "shall forever be a sovereign democratic and independent State founded upon the principles of liberty and justice and ever seeking the welfare and happiness of its people and the maintenance of a just peace among all nations."

Liberty, justice, welfare, happiness, peace. These are the ideals upon which this country was supposed to be grown and nurtured into greatness. Somewhere along the way, we as a country - leaders and followers alike - have made bad decisions for different reasons: fear, ignorance, apathy, greed, corruption. Those decisions have led us astray from the Proclamation's ideals, and we have strayed far.

Economic and educational disparities, race-based politics and political parties, a questionable judiciary, suppression of individual freedoms, legitimized racism - these are a few of the myriad of problems which we face today, some of them which have only been aggravated over time. We have strayed far. What was supposed to be a splendid garden of diversity, harmony and growth is now a wild, gloomy maze, and we as a nation are walking in circles; we are hopelessly lost in the dark.

52 years later, we have strayed far from the country's ideals and I ask, where are we going?

"Somewhere else lah, hahaha."

A lot of people I know would readily respond with that. I admit that I was probably once one of those people. Growing up in an environment that was segregated and a system that was bitter and reeking with the stench of injustice, I was often quick to pounce on Malaysian idealists because I thought this country was a lost cause, and that we were better off exerting our efforts elsewhere, hopefully another place where it would be more acknowledged and more appropriately rewarded.

The truth is, there probably is, but the in the light of recent events and experiences, I've come to realize that there is no other country that I could as readily and easily call home. I don't think I would go as far as to urge all Malaysians to return to this country, an issue which is highly relevant to people of my age group. I believe globalization has enabled Malaysians to continue contributing to this country despite not residing or working here.

But home is more than where you are. It's not just a bunch of coordinates on the map, it's where you belong. I think I would always feel more like a stranger somewhere else; there is no warmer welcome than the one I feel here. I think of the moments I had during my days in the public schools; I remember playing guitar at the back of the class, singing songs with Malay, Chinese and Indian classmates alike. I think of the conversations I've had when I've been the odd one out, racially, and yet how we were all able to share common, colour-blind ambitions for the country.

I think of all these things, and I realise that we don't have to be idealists, intellectuals or activists to appreciate such moments. And we most certainly don't need ambigious slogans like 1Malaysia. Because we've all had these kind of moments at one point or another in our life here in Malaysia.

These experiences serve to remind us that we as a people are greater than how Malaysian society is painted in mainstream (and sometimes, alternative) media: fractured, intolerant and in conflict. If we can rise as a people above those man-made misconceptions, then we are a few steps closer towards a better Malaysia.

Tunku Abdul Rahman has laid down ideals which make for a sound foundation for our country and we should keep striving for those ideals. I believe that the more youthful generation of today are increasingly aware of national issues, following up on that awareness and more importantly, they believe in these ideals and act upon their beliefs. I have met very inspiring and passionate young Malaysians who are interested in change and some who have started to create change; I have met even more people who see themselves as Malaysians above anything else, Malay, Chinese or Indian.

And I know that one day these individuals will get older, become the greater part of society and its leadership, and knowing that gives me a realistic measure of hope. It is not another blind brand of idealism. I am convinced to think that this could all just work, with endurance, patience and untiring effort.

I love Malaysia, not for what it is. I love Malaysia for what I know is good in it, and what is even greater that can come from it - a splendid garden that blooms beautifully, a beacon of liberty, justice, welfare, happiness and peace. We have strayed too far for too long, now let's make our way through this maze. This Merdeka Day, I urge my dear readers: let's all find our way back to those ideals.

this is an immature, mindless rant.

2009-08-23T15:14:00.001+01:00

Today, I'd like to share a picture with all of you. The picture was taken during my BRATs workshop in Kota Bharu way back in March 2005. Szetoo, ingat? You're the only one from our group who still comes to my blog, I think. We were being driven away in a van (if I don't remember wrongly) and the kids were running after us.

I like this picture because it's straightforward; I know the story behind it, what it means to me and it always makes me smile. It oozes simplicity, and every drop is sugar sweet! You see, this is why I can never be an art critic - it requires too much thinking. And backspacing, if you're writing an essay. :P I love art, but I like it when the art connects with me, not when I have to consciously attempt to create such a connection.

So why did I dig up this old picture? Because the world we live in frustrates me. It makes me want to scream and swear. It pisses me off. At times like this, I need some reminder from the very same world that happiness in simplicity is possible. Happiness which is free from man-made ideals and restrictions. And so I think of moments like the one captured in the photograph from BRATs.

Poverty
stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laughter

Those are lines in an old song from Jewel called "Hands". You should give it a listen if you don't know it, it's a lovely track.

Money. Power. Our society seems to be built around these two concepts. They seem like a prerequisite for almost everything I know, nowadays. The saddest part, for a lot of people, is that they never seem to have enough of it. Whenever anyone wants to do anything, either one of those ideas are always invoked - most often to discourage.

Not enough money lah.
You think can cari makan like this is it?
Cannot lah, you must know people one.

We're always fighting over it and we go to great lengths to secure ownership of... well, pretty much anything that can be 'owned', so to speak. People argue, rob and kill for it. Countries go to war over it. But that's not even the saddest part for me; I think the saddest part is that money and power aren't even real and yet we're still going after each other's throats (and sometimes our own) for it.

It's like the necrosis of happiness. And it's a neverending process! At the end of it, people just become so jaded and tired with life, that they no longer know why they're here anymore. And when you ask them, what do they tell you? Not enough money lah. Fuck you, world. Aimee, I know you're secretly proud because you taught me how to use the word 'jaded'. :P

I mean, seriously. Doesn't it just annoy you that everybody seems to want to be a goddamn investment banker nowadays?! It's all very mengwtfkan to me and it irritates me to no end. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AN INVESTMENT BANKER DOES, DAMMIT.

Our society has created people who have ideals which are not even based on anything real, and that frustrates me. What's real? I think the things which are real are things which no one can take away from you. What you've gone through, your experiences and your story, that's real. The people you meet and create a bond with, that's real. What you're passionate about, that's real. No one can ever take that away from you.

On the contrary, money and power, by nature, are very easily taken away. Once you die, that's it lah. Everything you lived for is gone. How depressing. I'd like to live a life which is purposeful even at the point of demise, thank you very much. I'd like to have a better story to tell, one that has colour, taste and meaning. Now that's value. Not some product with a price tag which can be discounted or given away as a free gift when not in demand anymore.

Da Vinci's Notebook.

2009-08-20T08:55:00.014+01:00

The Malaysian political melodrama continues.

This time around, we have a letter allegedly written by MACC officers revealing acts of corruption and abuse of power concerning MACC Selangor's Deputy Director Hishamuddin Hashim and former minister Khir Toyo. To read it, head over to Su Ann's blog, because I cannot be bothered to put up the big letter scans on my entry, because I have something else for people who find our political escapades exhausting to our common sense.

Need something less serious and less mengwtfkan? Read on. :)

Just this afternoon, Florentyna introduced me to an a capella group, because I was being a noisy kid about how bored I was and how frustrating the Visa application process is.

Ladies and gentlemen, enter DaVinci's Notebook, an award-winning comedic a capella act.

Their songs are absolutely hilarious. I love it when people incorporate the blues-y singing and harmonization to the most ridiculous of topics (or lyrics); songs like that are always good for a laugh (not to mention distraction, considering the kind of shit that's in the news nowadays).

The best I've found so far are Enormous Penis and Title Of The Song, both of which you can listen to from the Youtube videos below. The latter's my personal favourite; I can picture the whole Backstreet Boys thing going on, hahaha. I even took the liberty of looking for the lyrics so everyone can sing along! :D

---

Whenever life gets you down,
keeps you wearing a frown,
and the gravy train has left you behind...
and when you're all out of hope,
down at the end of your rope,
and nobody's there to throw you a line...
If you ever get so low
that you don't know which way to go
come on and take a walk in my shoes...
Never worry 'bout a thing
got the world on a string
Cause I've got the cure for all of my blues.

(CHORUS)
I take a look at my enormous penis
and my troubles start melting away.
I take a look at my enormous penis
and the happy times are coming to stay.

I gotta sing and I dance
when I glance in my pants
and the feeling's like a sunshiney day...
I take a look at my enormous penis
and everything is going my way.

(CHORUS)

Yeah I got great big amounts
in the place where it counts
and the feeling's like a sunshiney day...
I take a look at my enormous penis
and everything is going my way.
Everything is going my way...

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naive expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation
CHORUS
Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...
CHORUS

---

*The audio for "Title Of The Song" is recorded live, which explains the laughter in the background. But it has really funny ad libs which the album version doesn't have, so yeah. :)

Yasmin Ahmad's Talentime.

2009-08-19T15:47:00.004+01:00

I think one of the first original movie VCDs I bought in my life was the late Yasmin Ahmad's Sepet, a love story about a Chinese pirate-VCD seller and a Malay girl who fall for each other. For someone who just shamelessly downloads stuff off the Internet if and whenever I can, that speaks volumes about how highly I think of Yasmin Ahmad's work.

Today, I decided to take advantage of the re-screenings and watch Talentime at the local cinema. Guess what, I was the ONLY person in the entire cinema! That saddened me a bit, to know that her movie wasn't really getting a response, at least not where I live.

In Talentime, Adibah who is a school teacher is organizing the seventh Talentime event in her school. From the auditions to the rehearsals to the day of the event itself, a moving story of acceptance, ambition, loss, romance and music unfolds, told in the multiracial background that is Malaysia.

More specifically, Talentime revolves around four main characters: Melur, a girl from a Malay-British heritage with a Chinese tinge in her upbringing; Mahesh, a deaf and dumb Indian boy who comes from a very conservative Indian family; Hafiz, an intelligent and hardworking Malay with a very ill mother and finally, Kahoe, a Chinese boy who has to meet the great expectations set by his father, and the consequences of not doing so.

I do not want to reveal any details of the story because I think it is much better for you to find out on your own. All I can say is this: if you liked Sepet, Talentime is much, much better. Not only did I find it to be deeply moving, there are several powerful scenes that very effectively depict the Malaysian stigma towards race. In addition, Pete Teo does an incredible job with the soundtrack; the songs do wonders in helping the audience connect with the characters in the movie.

Yasmin Ahmad's Talentime is a film that all Malaysians can identify with, I'm sure, and thus one that shouldn't be missed by any of us.

Better Malaysia and US Apps Workshop 09.

2009-08-18T14:42:00.006+01:00

Hello people! I'm back from KL. Remember the Better Malaysia forum that I was talking about previously? Well, I'd given up on the idea of going because I couldn't be arsed to find a place to stay, but on Thursday evening, Andrew Loh kindly offered me a place to stay from Friday till Tuesday (because I had a Bank Negara thing to go to on Tuesday). And I must say that I'm extremely glad he did, because my weekend -- which would have otherwise been another two days of slacking around eating junk food and watching trash TV -- turned out to be very, very productive.

On Saturday, I tagged along with Andrew to 'facilitate' the US Applications Workshop 2009. Well, Andrew was really facilitating; I was just being a sesat UK-bound student at a US applications workshop. Hahaha.

The workshop was organized under the leadership (I think. Correct me if I'm wrong, fellas) of the great Chen Chow, for the benefit of students who aspire to pursue their further studies in the US. Why is Chen Chow great? One of the reasons is because while other people are charging thousands of dollars for the similar kind of consultation service, he was doing it for 25 bucks per person, just to break-even. Now that, people, is what I call passion. He does it with the help of a fantastic bunch of US students, with whom I had the privilege to meet. I say they are fantastic because I believe that some of these individuals will eventually become really important figures in Malaysian society, perhaps even the world!

Not only was I very impressed with the strong network (and friendship) between these US students, I think my admiration for them grew even more when I got to know them even more and heard their stories. I think I was most moved when Chen Chow shared his story about the nature in which he was awarded his scholarship (back then, if you were Chinese, you might as well forget about it) and how difficult it was for him in Cornell University. You see, he couldn't speak English and had none of the technological conveniences many of us have today (mobile phone, laptop, etc). He had to be put in a special class of eight students to improve his proficiency in English and in that class, he was the only Malaysian.

I don't know why I was so moved; I guess it was the way he told it. It made me picture myself in his shoes and how difficult (and possibly, embarassing) it must have been for him. And then I thought about how passionate he was about coming back here to Malaysia and just going all out to help young kids in their education. It was all very deeply moving for me. At the end of it, I was pretty much sold. Great stuff.

But amidst my melodramatic reflections, I think we can all agree that the most memorable part of the US App 09 workshop was John Lee's comment on essay introductions. Hahaha. What started out as advice for writing catchy introductions for application essays turned out to be, perhaps, more revealing about John's character than we would have previously known. After explaining why it was important to have a catchy introduction, John had proceeded to use an example to demonstrate his point. Hilarity ensued, and I quote roughly:

"For example, one person wrote this as an introduction before: 'The woman has big boobs.'"

*bursts of laughter from audience*

"It eventually turned out to a metaphor... (blablabla) The point is, I still remember it even though I read it a long time ago. I mean who can forget an introduction like 'The woman has big boobs'?! "

*more laughter from audience*

"That's why if you have a good introduction, you need to grab it. Just grab it! And don't let go!"

*short silence*

*mad bursts of laughter*

LMFAO!

All in all, I thought the workshop was pretty good. You US-wannabes are so lucky to have Chen Chow and the Chen Chow Gang to help you guys out with your application and share experiences with you! I am getting more convinced each day that I really should have applied to the US for my undergraduate studies. Ah well. I guess I'll be a UK student with an American soul, as Andrew puts it. Haha. At least I'm not alone! Emily Yoon, are you reading this??? Haha.

Then on Sunday, I attended the Better Malaysia forum, organized by Nathaniel Tan. If you don't know him but think the name sounds familiar, he was arrested in 2007 for allegedly violating the Official Secrets Act (read: bullshit). Overall, it was a pretty good forum... I'm not going to go into the details of every session of the forum because honestly, I don't remember everything and not everything was interesting to me.

The best session had to be the last one, namely the Politics session. For those who left early, you guys really missed out on the best.

Moderated by Nathaniel (far left), the speakers for the Politics session were (from left) Wan Firdaus (currently working in the Johor Chief Minister's office), Nik Nazmi (Seri Setia MP) and Hannah Yeoh (Subang Jaya MP) as representatives for UMNO, Keadilan and DAP respectively. They couldn't get the intended UMNO representative to show up, so Firdaus (who had spoken earlier during the Civil Service session) was speaking as a replacement. And as far as forums are concerned, Firdaus was a pretty damn good replacement. Probably 10 times better than the person who was supposed to come.

It was a very open discussion between the three speakers. What surprised me the most were the ideas coming from Firdaus. Now we're all very familiar with UMNO's pro-Malay stance, but this guy had some pretty radical ideas for an UMNO member. He spoke on the need for change, Malaysian politics instead of Malay/Chinese/Indian politics and his personal goals that he wanted to achieve while in UMNO. While I'm not completely convinced that these are really ideals which he believes in and will fight for, I give him credit for saying what he said and I look forward to seeing more of him in the UMNO scene.

The session was supposed to end at 6.00 p.m. but I think we finished at almost 8.00 p.m. That was how engrossing the discussion was! Several key issues were talked about, mainly on the role of race/religion in Malaysia's political future, the need for youth activism and most importantly, change, what it could mean for our country and the challenges we need to overcome.

So that was my weekend. Even though I had to go to KL all the way from BP (I was the only non-KL-based person at the forum I think) I really enjoyed meeting all the wonderful people, especially the Chen Chow Gang. And even though I was out for more than twelve hours on both days, I think I couldn't have spent that time much better doing anything else. Hopefully one day, I'll get to see this kind of passionate activism and awareness extend beyond the borders of urban areas such as KL. Where are all the non-KL people!

And so those were two very enriching days... I certainly did not think that my pre-UK holidays could be so fulfilling and inspiring. Once again, a big thank you to Andrew for introducing me to everyone I met during the weekend. :)

You Don't Know - refined final version!

2009-08-13T03:45:00.004+01:00

Whoohoo! I'm on a roll! :D You Don't Know is a song that I wrote last September with some help from Jean. I've always written it with a picture in my head - a picture of a band performing the song, complete with drums, lead guitars, bass, etc.

Since I'm still a newbie to Garageband, I still can't effectively emulate a full-band performance, but I gave it my best shot. So here you go, the new refined recording of You Don't Know, the way I heard it in my head when I wrote it. Or at least, the best thing you can have of that, for now. :)

And I'd appreciate if you guys give your opinions on the poll on the right sidebar. I'd like to know whether you think I should start a separate blog for my music, lyrics, miscellaneous information or updates on my music, etc. Thanks!

And now enjoy. :D

EDIT: I don't know why, but if you play the song from here, there'll be a very minor skip at 2:11, but if you download it, the song plays perfectly fine. :)

You Don't Know by Zhi Wei (Lyrics)

You sink without the spotlights

like a shadow on the screen

Can't take the feeling of just knowing

you're not being seen

I rise among the crowd

'cross the sparkling lights and sounds

So reliant on the silence

So peaceful and profound

And all the eyes are watching you

But you haven't got a clue

Can you see me, can you hear me, can you feel

anything at all?

CHORUS

You don't know anyone x3

But don't think that's okay

(Repeat)

Oh you work across the room

throw your quick hello goodbyes

With your lies and your letters

lively, lovely, written in your eyes

I couldn't help myself before

but now I'm not even bothered anymore

Cause you can't see me, you can't hear me

you can't feel anything at all

CHORUS

BRIDGE

When I pack up my bags you'll be fantasizing

You'll take a step back and see what you have been missing

The taste of a thrill so tantalizing

Well I guess it's just too bad for you cause baby you don't know me

CHORUS

28 days - refined final version!

2009-08-12T04:48:00.003+01:00

There's a forum that I feel like attending this weekend. It's called Youth To Youth: For A Better Malaysia. For anyone who's interested, it will be held on August 16th (Sunday) from 9.00-6.30 p.m. at Sunway University College. For more details, visit the website.

The only problem is I live in Batu Pahat, which means I need to find somebody's place where I can be a parasite for a few days. And then there's transportation costs. WHY DO I NOT LIVE IN KL?! Arghasdakjsdhkah.

Anyway, I took some time this morning to record a refined version of 28 Days. I like to think that 28 days is, lyrically speaking, my best song to date. Listen to the song below. It's also listed on my Reverbnation player on the right as "28 Days (Refined Final Version)".

My songs are now not only available for streaming, but for DOWNLOADS as well! :D So for you listeners out there, you don't have to wait for me to send you the song. :)

Please feel free to share your thoughts on the song!

28 Days by Zhi Wei (Lyrics)

She sways just like the seasons

It's daytime television

Except it's happening here in my life

She's a mixed minx vixen

generous on occasion with attention

the amusement is playing in her mind

She tells me it's indefinite

tells me that it's different

Tells me that she's here to stay

But tell me baby how indefinite can different be

when it only lasts twenty eight days

And she says

CHORUS

She doesn't know if it's real

She doesn't know what to feel

Or maybe it's just me that's lost appeal

And there is nothing now

Nothing now again

She's got me floating, hovering

holding on for more

Her hands are on my heartstrings

they're tugging at the core

It's being pushed and pulled around

Some days it's flattened to the ground

But I'm still flaunting my affections

Like a golden crown

I'm beaten, battered baby

But I ain't going down

Just in case, she chooses to stay

beyond these twenty eight days but she says

CHORUS

She pulls me near, she softly whispers

The words in my ear

It's so resounding, so convincing

that she's never gonna disappear

Entangled under the midnight moonshine

It's a blinding bliss I will miss

Now the reminiscence of a red-blooded kiss

After twenty eight days, I'll still be thinking of this

I'm only human

Oh the yearning how it's burning

To be free is my only solution

To this stop-shot love, I'm walking out of

a space that's constrained by a love that lasts twenty eight days

sing it

CHORUS

Malaysian Student Leaders Summit 2009.

2009-08-10T11:33:00.004+01:00

"Before I go on, I'd like to say that throughout this speech, I will be making sweeping statements which are not backed by evidence. I call them Mahathirisms." - Kam Raslan, MSLS 09. Those are probably not the exact words, but LMFAO! :D

Hello world! I just got back from KL after attending the 3rd Annual Malaysian Student Leader's Summit (MSLS) over the weekend, themed "Embrace The Power Of Reason".

I didn't attend the last two events, so I can't judge how this year's MSLS went compared to that of the last two years. I thought that the speeches and forums, on the whole, were not too bad, but at the same time, I also found some of the sessions to be quite boring.

My favourite session was the very first one, which was the Arts and Literature Session. Yasmin Ahmad was supposed to be speaking for this one, but unfortunately, she passed away, as we all know. :( Regardless, the speakers for the session - Kam Raslan and Zain HD - gave pretty interesting speeches, in my opinion. Or maybe I'm just biased towards the arts. :P

Other notable sessions include the address by our former PM, Tun Dr Mahathir, who was supposed to talk about his vision of Malaysia beyond 2020, but ended up telling us grandfather stories about the people who struggled for independence, not-so-subtly criticising the Pak Lah administration whilst defending the policies and decisions under his own administration.

Memorable quotes -- or Mahathirisms, as Kam Raslan would put it -- include, "I did not arrest anyone!", "Who says there was no freedom of speech during my time?" as responses during the Q&A session. Dash underscore dash!

Khairy Jamaluddin also made an appearance during the Political Development session together with Tian Chua. Khairy's speech was very eloquently executed; this is the first time I've seen him give a speech, and I have to say that he's an excellent orator. However, on the substance side, I don't really want to comment because we all are familiar with how BN politicians can say one thing at a particular time, and then say something completely different at another. He did, however, try to reassure the audience that his whole belief in the need for change in BN was real and that he would be addressing it in the UMNO Assembly. True or false? We shall see.

For all the charisma, though, zero points to Khairy in answering the really controversial questions, such as the one brought up by Andrew and Su Ann on the discrepancies to the PM's idea of 1Malaysia, e.g. UMNO mouthpieces like Noor Azam and programmes like BTN in which non-Malays are branded kaum pendatang by certain facilitators. He was basically avoiding the question by saying that he wasn't the same as the people who expressed those ideas; come on, at least do it like you mean it, yeah? :P

I was disappointed that the Prime Minister, or the Deputy Prime Minister for that matter, could not make it to the event, because I had a thing or two that I wanted to ask them during the Q&A session related to the BTN camps. Haha. Speaking of which, they really should have allocated more time for the Q&A sessions because clearly many people with questions were deprived of the opportunity to ask them due to time constraints.

And because of all the hoo-hah about the Khairy-Tony Pua-Nik debate they had at last year's MSLS, I was really hoping that they would have a debate or something like that this year as well. They didn't. I think MSLS really should have more engaging debates in the future and also perhaps harder (or more controversial) questions from the moderators, because those questions get answered first. And the way I see it, the more important questions were coming from the floor, not the moderators.

But I'm not all full of complaints lah. My favourite speakers throughout the whole thing were Zain HD, John Lee and Chen Chow.

I really wanted a picture with the Zain dude, but couldn't find him! :(

I felt they were truly passionate about their beliefs and convictions, and that was deeply inspiring for me. Essentially, all three of them spoke on the value of courage and how it's lacking amongst the youth. I agree. I think sometimes we get so caught up with ISA, potential arrest, basically fear (sometimes with no solid reason) that we invoke these things as excuses, instead of thinking about what we can actually do.

As Zain said in his speech, if the idea of taking the initiative to change things comes with difficulties or dangers that we are not willing to face, then we probably don't care about the change we talk about as much as we say we do.

Besides the inspiring speakers, I met some pretty awesome people while I was there too. For example, I FINALLY met Andrew Loh Zhu An!

Previously, I only knew Andrew through his old blog (he has since moved to a new address). I remember getting a lot of advice from him when I was having problems understanding certain political concepts and also with debate issues some time back. It was always nice to have someone share his knowledge; it helped me out a lot and I truly appreciate it! He was coincidentally the facilitator for my group in MSLS, which I will talk about later in this entry! Haha.

I also got to meet John Lee (picture above), who has a weekly column in The Malaysian Insider. It's overwhelming and very humbling to meet people like him who are only around my age and yet already so much more mature in thinking, writing and contributing to society.

Then there was my group, Pulau Sipadan! I didn't think the group discussions were going to be very productive at first, but on the second day, when we actually sat down together to talk about "Keluhuran Perlembagaan" or Constitutional Supremacy, it turned into a pretty enriching discussion. We talked about issues to do with the electoral system, the judiciary as well as the elements of fear, ignorance and apathy in the electorate which, cumulatively, result in a fucked up interpretation of the Constitution.

I loved the discussion because one, everyone had a chance to speak (though not everyone spoke lah); two, the nature of the discussion was honest and open; and three, ideas were argued and debated, ultimately making the discussion very engaging and constructive.

What made it even more interesting for me was the fact that one of my group members, Masin, was a co-facilitator for BTN which I despise with a passion. I was shocked to know that he was, because the ideas that he put forth during discussion were open-minded and far-sighted, the complete opposite of the facilitators that many scholars (including myself) have encountered at our BTN camps. Later on during the day, I asked him about it and shared my experience with him, and he explained that 'ada fasi yang jahat dan ada yang baik'. Haha. It truly makes me wonder.

On the whole, the MSLS 09 experience was a good one. It was not thoroughly enjoyable (especially the parts which involved certain hypocritical politicians *cough cough*) but it certainly had its moments and those moments were worth having. The people I met and the experience as a whole serve as another source of inspiration for me in my pursuit of a better, improved Malaysia!

A big thanks goes out to my friend Wai Shan for helping me get a place, without which I would not have been able to attend the summit. :)

On to less interesting news, I got my results for my Cambridge A-Level papers today; I got A's for both Accounting and Economics! :D Unless Edexcel comes up with a new rule that the A grade for Mathematics will only be awarded to candidates with perfect scores, then my offer to LSE is now secure!

Internet censorship in Malaysia?

2009-08-06T04:07:00.002+01:00

I just read on The Malaysian Insider that the Malaysian government is considering the use of an Internet filter to block "undesirable websites" into our local Internet system.

"Despite a guarantee of no censorship in Malaysia's Multimedia Super Corridor, Datuk Seri Rais Yatim's ministry is evaluating the feasibility of putting an Internet filter blocking 'undesirable websites' - similar to China's aborted 'Green Dam' software." - "Malaysia Mulls 'Green Dam' Despite China's Failure" published in The Malaysian Insider(6th August 2009)

A censored Internet, seriously? In this day and age, it doesn't take an IT whiz kid to figure out that, no matter what the intended purpose, censoring Internet content is a very impractical policy. Anyone with a little bit of Internet knowledge would know -- or can be easily taught -- how to bypass such filters.

In fact, to Dhillon Andrew Kannabhiran, CEO of internet security firm Hack In The Box, outsmarting such forms of censorship is so simple that he thinks that "even my mother can do it". The thing is, his opinion has as much value in humour as it does in truth.

For those who don't know or haven't read the article yet, I think we should all be informed that the censorship of the Internet is against Article 7 of Malaysia's Multimedia Super Corridor's (MSC) Bill of Guarantees which clearly instructs to "ensure no Internet censorship". And it's there for a good reason. Firstly, as mentioned earlier, you really can't effectively censor the Internet, unless you censor the whole damn thing by banning it. Hopefully we do not live to see the day when they start "evaluating the feasibility" of banning the Internet.

Secondly, it is an insult to the general intelligence of the average Malaysian citizen. The Malaysian government (BN and PKR alike) needs to start to learn to accept that Malaysian citizens in general are now more capable of not just accessing, but assessing information which is presented to us.

I don't deny that there are irresponsible people on the Internet who spread rumours or baseless ideas through their blogs or websites or whatnot, but there are just as much - perhaps more - ideas and information online which are based on sound reasoning, solid evidence and credible sources. And that's the beauty of freedom of speech; let there be debate and may the better idea emerge as prevailing thought!

To quote the immortal words of Voltaire, "I disagree strongly with what you say, but I will defend your right to say it."

By acting as the information police all the time, the government acts condescendingly, ultimately assuming that Malaysians are intellectually handicapped and need to be pushed around in a wheelchair! How insulting is that! Surely, as we approach our 52nd year of Independence, the Malaysian people have grown to become a much more mature society than how we started out. But if we carry on long enough with this nonsense, then one day our minds will truly be weakened and crippled. Is that what the government wants? One can only ask.

If the government really wants to look for 'undesirable' content, they need not look very far. Two days ago, Utusan Malaysia published an article entitled "Melayu Jangan Jadi Bacul (Malays, Don't Become Cowards)". The content of the article basically laments that the Malays are have become a race of stupid cowards and that they are losing everything in Malaysia to the Chinese and Indians. What kind of backward thinking is that? Absolutely revolting.

Like I said, you don't have to look too far in the media; Utusan Malaysia is a mainstream Malay paper read by millions of Malaysians. I will not argue for such articles to be banned, because I believe that Malaysians have the right to access and assess this information.

Furthermore, I am sure that the general public won't be taken by such foolish attempts to incite interracial hatred and division under the gallant banner of intraracial unity. I have that much confidence in the Malaysian people, but for the sake of irony... can you say, ISA?

The disturbing thing is, if you try Googling this article online, you will find blogs and commenters who readily express their agreement for the ideas in the Utusan article.

If the government starts actively putting filters on our Internet, then I - and many other Malaysians, I'm sure - will be deeply disappointed, frustrated and angry. Even if all reason fails, at least they should be smart enough to take care of their party's popularity, which isn't exactly at its peak in Malaysian history.

Censorship of the Internet? Well, let's see. What's going to go first? Blogger first, of course. After all, all bloggers are liars (and they're probably unemployed women, too). You know what? Maybe we should block the news reporting websites too - they might publish opinion articles which encourage insidious political ideas that instigate social instability. Down you go, CNN and co.! And just to be extra careful, let's block the search engines so that we can be REALLY sure that people don't have access to such unhealthy, dangerous information. Bang bang! You're dead, Google!

...But don't ban the Internet, of course. We are a democracy and we advocate the right to information!

There! Now our bright young minds are safer and will have a much healthier ground to grow and mature into world-class leaders!

*ominous music plays*

Isn't it just lovely? :D

the big bang theory explains why I have no life.

2009-08-03T16:32:00.004+01:00

Is it just me or is it the general behaviour of middle-class parents to be incredibly proud of themselves whenever they succeed in saving money, even when it comes to biscuits?

O life and thy unsolvable mysteries!

So check out what's all over my table: chips, wrappings for Oreos, a plate on which previously char siew pau existed, a glass of half-drunken milk, a jar of peanut butter, bread and a butter knife. For some reason, the slacker lifestyle always reminds me of the movie Disturbia. You know, the movie where Shia LaBeouf spies on his serial-killer neighbour while getting it on with the hot girl next door. Why does he always seem to get the hot chicks in all the movies, anyway?

Back to the topic. Usually, when this kind of indulgence in unhealthy amounts of junk food occurs at night, it usually means I've found a new TV series to obsess about. This time, thanks to Emily Tay's recommendation, it's The Big Bang Theory.

Yes, I've found a new sitcom to sit through non-stop for hours while consuming parentally-unfriendly quantities of potentially life-threatening food. I didn't know jack about this TV series until Emily told me about it last night.

Due to my strong anti-streaming sentiments when it comes to TV series and movies (as I believe the dearth of quality is a severely detrimental to the experience), I decided to download a couple of episodes. After watching the pilot and laughing my ass off, I proceeded to download the rest of the episodes available, namely two full seasons.

And guess what, I've managed (from this afternoon) to finish the entire first season. Yes, I know, I have absolutely no life.

Anyway, if you're interested, The Big Bang Theory is basically about these two male Caltech prodigies Leonard and Sheldon who live together. They live blissfully together (in a non-homosexual way) in their physics-filled and people-deprived world until a new neighbour, Penny, moves in. Penny is best described as ... the normal person, as opposed to the other two main characters. Their contrasts in character pretty much provides the basis for the humour of this show.

A lot of the humour in this sitcom is sarcastic and laced with terminology from random academic stuff; so if you're into that kind of thing, then The Big Bang Theory is probably something you want to watch to get some big, healthy laughs. :D

And now, if my calculations are correct, I should have completed downloading the second season by tomorrow morning...

demi keharmonian masyarakat.

2009-08-01T12:47:00.005+01:00

So there was an anti-ISA rally (and concurrently, a pro-ISA one) today in KL. The result? The crowd had to be dispersed using tear gas and water cannons by the authorities, and over a hundred people were arrested.

What was that? You sensed the feeling of absolute surprise jumping out of every syllable in this entry??? ...Well, it must be because I am so, so shocked. Oh, and I find it rather amusing that the police started arresting people even before the damn thing started. Dash underscore dash.

Issues like this one are getting exhausting to hear about, so I'm not going to bore you with an elaborate rant on why freedom of speech is important in a democracy. Instead, I'll leave the haranguing to a character of far greater eloquence and charisma:

Remember, remember.

sandwiches taste good.

2009-07-31T13:07:00.003+01:00

There's a lot of shit that I want to fit into this post. It's like an oversized sandwich, before it becomes an oversized sandwich. A sandwich right about now would actually not be such a bad idea! But since obesity is an increasingly alarming problem, I will try my best to compress this oversized sandwich of an entry.

So I met up with an old friend recently: AIMEE LEE! Unlike her, I was not sneaky or skillful enough to secretly snap any pictures when we met up, so you won't find any here. For those who don't know, I know Aimee from The Star's BRATs programme, which I joined in 2005, and I've been an avid reader of her blog since 2006, I think. She writes good stuff! I've said that about 12938712983 times in my own blog. Just a rough estimation. ;)

I think since the last time we met, we've both quietened down quite a bit. Back in the BRATs days, we used to have long conversations with very little pauses about the most random topics - a lot of it were pretty nonsensical, considering I was doing quite a lot of the talking. Hahaha.

For the most part, we talked about the idea of being jaded and whether it has anything to do with growing up.

I mean, seriously. Ask yourself: do you know any adults who are genuinely happy with their life for what it is? When Aimee asked me that, I couldn't even come up with an answer. Maybe I don't know enough people, but I think most of us will only be able to come up with a few answers, some of us won't even have any.

It's kind of depressing when you think about it. A lot of people make these decisions and then regret about it later in life (sometimes not much later), consequently becoming very bitter individuals with a very bleak outlook on life, society and whatnot. It's as though you get born, you live life for awhile, and then you just dissolve into this insignificant member of society with a fixed income and a family to feed. That is some fucked up shit. The worst part is, I can already see it happening to some of the people I know.

And on top of that, you have a government which spends most of its time engaging in empty, unproductive arguments amongst each other instead of coming up with real solutions to real problems faced by real people, a lot of whom, by the way, can't be bothered to give a rat's ass about what's going on anymore as long as they can make money, while the rest preach to the choir about how times are a-changing.

Can you say, shit happens?

I leave you with that to think about. I am now going to personify the idea of this rubbish we call life right now by watching thrash TV and consuming junk food.

a newfound need for patriotism.

2009-07-25T08:41:00.006+01:00

*EDIT: A Malay version of this entry is available below, I got a friend to translate it for me. :D

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

Spoken by Mark Twain, those are my favourite words on patriotism that I have come across so far. They are clever, succinct and very reasonable.

Yes, this entry is about patriotism. Read the previous sentences more than once if you're not convinced that I (of all people) am talking about patriotism. You see, I just came back from the course I was talking about in the previous entry. Due to the nature in which the course was conducted, I was pretty scarred by the experience. But amidst feeling disturbed, disgraced and degraded, I return -- strangely enough -- with a newfound need for patriotism.

I never thought I would ever say this, but yes, I actually feel more patriotic now.

Why? It would not be a wise decision to discuss this openly here, but if you ask me personally I would be more than happy to share with you the manner in which this sudden, personal change occurred. To put it in a politically correct way -- that won't get me behind bars and stop me from pursuing my newfound purposes, that is -- you could say I learned a great deal on what we need to change in this country and how we can change it.

And that is why I'm here, typing this entry, because there is something I need to share with the rest of you, my fellow Malaysians in particular. While a lot of it may be ideas you have heard before elsewhere, I insist on publishing this entry anyway, because it comes deeply from my heart, and I genuinely feel like I have to express it.

What is Malaysia to you?

A week ago, I would never have been able to answer that question without cracking a joke or expressing hatred or sometimes sounding absolutely apathetic. In other words, I never really knew. I might have thought about it, but often ended up concluding to myself that it wasn't really an important question.

Well, I have to admit now that I was wrong; it is a question of great importance.

What is Malaysia to you?

I've always thought the phrase "a melting pot" was just a plainly bad description of our country. Three reasons: 1) The phrase, as a phrase, is just, well, over-used, 2) If we were a melting pot, we'd all be culturally homogenous and 3) We are anything but a melting pot, because many Malaysians are still racially divided.

Malay, Chinese, Indian - every one of us has had our share of problems. Due to the way which our country was governed by the British, we had the issue of racial division from day one, which was only later sustained, post-Independence, by different policies with pretty much the same effect.

There are many of us who want to leave the country due to issues related to race. I'm sure every one of us knows at least one person who's said that they never want to come back to Malaysia again. In fact, it's almost like the holy grail of students who get a chance to study abroad - to then work abroad and never come back here.

I used to believe that as well - that it was the best thing that could happen. Of course, securing my scholarship tied me down to an obligation to come back to Malaysia to serve the Central Bank. But what I previously felt was a heavy burden, I now see it not as a burden, but a responsibility and purpose as a Malaysian. Before I explain that responsibility and purpose, let me explain to you what I think is one of the key problems which we face.

The environment in which we grew up has naturally instilled prejudice in many of us, something which we usually don't admit or even realise, to begin with. And in our failure to see that, we often look towards the policies in the country and blame them, we moan and groan about the shortcomings of our constitution. We complain and cry "Racism!" to indirectly defend our own lack of initiative in bridging the gap, for example, to integrate ourselves with other races.

But I think maybe it's time we asked ourselves, does the racial nature of a policy or a law justify our own racism? Because that's what it is when we invoke these reasons and use them as excuses for our prejudiced behaviour, whether we realise it is prejudiced or not. It is racism which we are committing, the same brand which we condemn.

The best instance I can ask you to imagine is to picture yourself among a group of strangers, or people you are unfamiliar with. Assume that everything else is constant, and the only variable is race. Who would you first talk to, honestly? Where do your natural instincts ask you to go? Is it someone of another race, or is it someone of your own?

I ask this because I, like many of us, am guilty of prejudiced, racist thinking. At the camp which I attended recently, I was the only Chinese in my dormitory, the rest were all Malays. I felt alone, isolated and I waited for my Chinese companions to arrive before I engaged in a proper conversation with anyone. Reflecting on this later on, I realised that I've always been like this. And why? Because of the environment in which I grew up!

We may exist in a multiracial country, but many of us come from communities identifiable by race. In my case, I grew up in a Chinese community, obviously. The environment of such communities, I think, has a great influence on how we integrate ourselves in the Malaysian society. And how we integrate ourselves in society has an even bigger influence on whether or not we, as a multiracial and multicultural people, can foster understanding and achieve common goals together.

It isn't a hard thing to do, to start engaging in constructive dialogue about the country with your fellow countrymen regardless of race, and yet I feel that for many of us today, there is an invisible barrier which divides us, that makes it seem like an arduous task. It's almost like we are on different levels of existence. Much like how I felt in the dormitory. Upon reflection, I've come to realise that I let my own prejudices stop me from looking at my dorm-mates for who they essentially are - they are my fellow Malaysian citizens.

I had allowed my own frustration with racialised issues to make the choice for me, to detach myself from these people, only to find out later that their views were the same with mine.

On one of the nights during the course, I had managed to talk to my Malay dorm-mates; it was one of the most refreshing experiences I've ever had. We discussed the content of the course, domestic politics and the ideals which we needed to be fighting for as a society. We exchanged opinions, we shared and we talked. For once, I felt like we truly understood each other, 'we' being the two different races. In an hour, the barriers broke down between us and I discovered some realistic measure of hope.

I am not saying that by talking to people, we are going to change things and improve this country. I am saying that it's a stepping stone, no matter how small, and it leads to greater change through awareness, informed voting and ultimately a higher standard of democracy and governance. Younger Malaysians are getting educated today; while not every one of us who receives the benefit of education is made aware and is bothered about our country's state of affairs, those of us who are should start taking that first step.

Small things like conversations do more than you think. Engage in dialogue because if we only distance ourselves into the comfortable corners of our own communities and complain about our problems, then that's all we'll ever have: problems. But if we make the effort to connect with one another, then we are breaking down the walls. Brick by brick, this wall will slowly but surely be torn down, and with it we will build a formidable bridge in the spirit of unity and greatness that this country is meant for.

I urge you, peers or not, to do so because as Malaysians, Malaysia will always be our birthplace, our country, our home. No country will ever welcome us as warmly as our country's own embrace. Though things may be far from ideal or perfect, it is still the only nation that is truly ours - Malay, Chinese or Indian. Let's stop hoping things will work out, and start working to make this a better Malaysia for tomorrow.

It won't be easy, and it won't come quickly. If there are those who are sleeping under the blanket of indifference, then we have to open their eyes and wake them. If there is uncertainty or doubt, then we have to achieve clarity by attempting to understand each other. If there is discomfort, then we have to create a welcoming atmosphere of friendliness and openness. Where there are challenges, we will conquer them together. Where there are problems, we will solve them together.

I hope that after you read this entry, you'd feel the least bit curious about how I underwent this change, or you'd feel enlightened, or maybe you'd feel inspired. I hope after reading this, you will feel something and that you will respond by sharing your views here because I want to hear your voice as much as I want you to hear mine, and more importantly, I want to listen. And I will listen intently to every word.

Malaysia is where I will always belong.

What is Malaysia to you?

---

BAHASA MELAYU:

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it"-Mark Twain.

Itulah antara bait-bait patriotisme yang paling saya gemari. Bukan sahaja maksudnya tersirat, tapi perkataannya juga padat, dan sangat tepat.

Memang pelik kalau saya katakan saya mahu menulis tentang semangat patriotisme. Tapi setelah dihantui perasaan yang berbaur ketakutan dan rasa terancam, terutamanya selepas pulang dari sebuah kem ini, perasaan patriotik dalam diri biarpun hanya sekelumit, bergoncang dan bersemarak, berbuak-buak dalam diri.

Sukar saya gambarkan keadaannya, tapi ya, saya rasa lebih patriotik sekarang.

Kenapa? Usahlah dipersoal tentang perkara itu, nanti silap hari bulan, kita sama-sama boleh meringkuk dalam penjara. Tapi jika anda benar-benar ingin mengetahuinya, saya berbesar hati untuk menjelaskannya dengan terperinci, tapi sudah tentu bukan disini.

Pendek kata, saya telah memperoleh banyak pengalaman yang penuh makna. Pengalaman yang diperoleh inilah yang telah ’menghantuk’ kepala saya untuk melihat dengan parsepsi yang berbeza, secara tidak langsung membolehkan saya mengenalpasti beberapa perkara yang perlu diubah, dan bagaimana perubahan tersebut perlu dilakukan.

Itulah sebabnya mengapa saya menulis entri kali ini. Hati kecil ini sudah tidak mampu berdiam lagi. Biarpun mungkin apa yang bakal ditulis hanya sekadar ulangan idea yang sama dari pihak lain, saya tetap ingin mengukirnya disini. Kerana ia lahir dari sanubari ini, hati yang baru mengenal erti patriotisme.

Apa makna Malaysia bagi anda?

Saya suka untuk mengaitkan Malaysia dengan 3 kaum utamanya. Melayu, Cina dan India. Kesemuanya ada masalah masing-masing. Bermula dari zaman penjajahan sehinggalah kepada zaman pasca penjajahan, masalahnya masih sama. Dari hari pertama tertubuhnya Malaysia, sentimen perkauman senantiasa bergelora dalam setiap rakyat, terutama dalam pemerintahan pecah perintah British. Berbagai dasar dilaksanakan, tetapi pokok permasalahan masih belum melihatkan bibit-bibit penyelesaian.

Itulah antara punca utama mengapa ramai antara kita seringkali merungut. Siapa yang mahu terus tinggal di tempat yang sedemikian rupa? Tempat dimana perkataan-perkataan berunsur perkauman sering dihambur sana-sini. Kesannya, ramai graduan negara terutamanya ingin meninggalkan Malaysia dan bekerja di negara orang. Malah ianya ibarat satu mimpi indah jika seseorang dapat melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara dan terus bekerja di sana.

Saya pun pernah terfikir akan perkara yang sama –ia sememangnya mimpi yang sangat indah. Memanglah, setelah saya setuju untuk dibiasiswa oleh Bank Negara saya telah bersetuju untuk bekerja dengan mereka dalam lingkungan 10 tahun. Dan saya kerap kali merasakan ’kewajipan’ tersebut merupakan sesuatu beban yang sangat menyusahkan. Namun, dengan persepsi baru ini, saya akhirnya faham, bahawa ’kewajipan’ ini sebenarnya merupakan satu peluang, peluang untuk saya berkhidmat untuk tanahair ini.

Tapi bukan ini yang ingin saya uar-uarkan.

Permasalahan yang ingin diketengahkan ialah bagaimana sentimen ini kian menebal dalam masyarakat yang gah dihebahakan sebagai berbilang kaum ini.

Hakikatnya, persekitaran di mana kita dibesarkan secara semulajadi telah memupuk sifat mendiskriminasi, sesuatu yang kita sukar mengaku, mahupun sedar. Dan dalam kejahilan kita ini jugalah, kita sering meneliti tindakan dan gerak geri orang lain sambil pantas menuding jari. Kita mengadu dan berteriak ”diskriminasi kaum!”, tapi kita sebenarnya sedang menyembunyikan pekung sendiri yang tidak cuba untuk mengecilkan jurang perbezaan yang sudah ada sejak sekian lama. Apalah salahnya kalau kita dengan rela bergaul mesra dengan kaum lain. Kita sebenarnya sedang melakukan perkara sama yang kita sendiri kritik.

Contoh yang paling mudah untuk mendemonstrasikan pendiskriminasian kaum yang kita amalkan, cubalah kita bayangkan satu keadaan dimana kita ditempatkan dalam kalangan manusia yang tidak kita kenali langsung. Dengan menganggap perkara lain semua sama(ie semua manusia itu mempunyai wajah yang tidak menakutkan etc), kecuali bangsa, (dimana terdapat seorang melayu, seorang cina dan seorang india), siapakah yang akan anda pilih untuk berbual? Adakah pilihan tersebut akan dipengaruhi dengan hakikat perbezaan kaum, biar sedikit manapun, atau ia akan dibuat 100% secara rawak semata?

Saya bertanyakan soalan ini kerana saya, sama seperti ramai rakyat Malaysia, bersalah kerana empunya perasaan diskriminasi. Di kem yang saya ikuti baru-baru ini, saya merupakan satu-satunya pelajar berbangasa cina dalam dorm saya, dan yang lain-lain adalah melayu. Saya berasa sunyi, terpinggir,dan sering menunggu kawan-kawan berbangsa cina yang lain(mereka menetap di dorm yang berbeza) untuk berbual atau bersembang-sembang. Menyedari perkara ini, saya tersentak kerana sememangnya selama ini saya telah bersikap sebegini. Mengapa? Kerana inilah apa yang saya belajar dari persekitaran di mana saya membesar!

Kita mungkin wujud dalam negara berbilang bangsa, tapi masih ramai yang berasal dari komuniti yang terdiri dari satu bangsa sahaja. Saya misalannya, berasal dari komuniti yang majoritinya cina. Dan persekitaran sebeginilah yang akan mempengaruhi cara kita bergaul dalam masyarakat, dan cara pergaulan kita pulalah yang akan menterjemahkan sama ada satu masyarakat berbilang bangsa dan budaya dapat bergerak senada dan seirama dalam mencapai satu-satu matlamat bersama.

Sebenarnya bukan susah pun untuk terlibar dalam perbualan dengan rakan-rakan lain tanpa mengira bangsa, tapi ternyata dalam kalangan masyarakat seakan-akan wujud satu penghadang lutsinar, yang membahagikan kita dan membuatkan perkara ini satu tugas yang sangat sukar. Seolah-olah kita ini mempunyai darjat yang berbeza. Sama seperti apa yang saya rasakan seperti dalam dorm. Keseorangan dan berbeza dengan semua yang lain. Setelah meneliti semula, saya akhirnya sedar, pendiskriminasian telah mengaburi penglihatan saya sehinggakan saya tidak dapat melihat kawan-kawan satu dorm yang lain sebagai kawan. Teman, dan juga rakyat senegara.

Saya sebenarnya telah membiarkan kekecewaan dengan diskriminasi kaum memilih jalan saya, mengasingkan diri saya dari masyarakat, sehinggalah saya mendapati rakan-rakan lain sebenarnya sependapat dengan saya.

Malah, dalam penat menghadiri semua program yang diatur dalam kem tersebut, saya dan rakan-rakan Melayu sebilik masih lagi sempat untuk meluangkan satu malam untuk berbincang tentang pengisian kem tersebut, tentang politik dan kemaslahatan rakyat. Ia merupakan antara perbualan yang paling bermakna buat saya. Kami berbincang dan bercakap penuh minat, seolah-olah ’kami’ yang berbeza bangsa ini saling memahami. Dalam masa hampir sejam malam itu, segala tembok pemisah antara kami telah dipecahkan, dan saya dapat merasakan wujudnya sinar harapan untuk masa depan yang lebih cerah.

Saya tidak maksudkan apabila kita bercakap dengan orang lain kita secara terus dapat mengubah situasi negara. Tapi saya yakin, dengan bercakaplah kita mampu untuk menuju ke arah itu. Ia merupakan satu pemangkin. Dan sebenarnya, dengan cara inilah, kita dapat mewujudkan kesedaran dalam kalangan masyarakat, dan seterusnya kerajaan demokrasi yang lebih terpimpin. Golongan muda dewasa ini terutamanya, meskipun mendapat faedah daripada sistem pendidikan yang semakin mantap, masih kurang mengetahui tentang serba-serbi kenegaraan. Golongan ini, termasuk saya, perlulah mengambil inisiatif demi negara ini.

Perkara-perkara kecil seperti perbualan, sering dipandang enteng, namun hakikatnya perkara sebeginilah yang kerap-kali menjadi pencetus kepada sesuatu yang lebih besar. Andai kita terus mengasingkan diri ke sudut yang selesa dengan komuniti yang sama, maka kita akan terus berada dalam dilemma yang sama. Masalah ini tidak akan selesai. Namun, jika kita berusaha untuk mengenali satu sama lain, lambat laun, segala perbezaan antara kita akan difahami, dan akhirnya kita tidak akan berasa ’asing’ lagi dengan sesiapa. Apatah lagi, kita semua rakyat Malaysia, yang kononnya sinonim dengan perpaduan. Marilah realisasikan harapan Malaysia, yang sememangnya berhak memiliki rakyat bersatu-padu dan berjiwa nasional.

Saya ingin menyeru anda semua untuk sama-sama melakukan perkara yang serupa. Marilah kita pecahkan dinding-dinding yang selama ini menghalang perpaduan kita, kerana Malaysia itu adalah negara kita, tempat lahir kita, rumah kita. Tiada negara lain yang akan mengalu-alukan kita sebagaimana Malaysia melakukannya. Biarpun keadaan tidak seindah mana, tidak sesempurna mana, Malaysia masih merupakan negara yang sememangnya milik kita. Melayu, Cina, India. Usahlah asyik mengharap keadaan akan berubah, tapi marilah mengubahnya bersama, untuk Malaysia yang lebih berjaya kelak.

Sememangnya tugas ini bukan tugas mudah, tidak akan selesai dalam masa yang singkat. Andai ada antara kita yang masih terlena bermimpikan perbezaan kaum, maka kita perlulah bangunkan dan sedarkan mereka dari mimpi itu. Andai ada sebarang keraguan atau kemusykilan antara kita, maka kita hendaklah memperjelas dengan berkongsi kefahaman. Andai ada sebarang ketidakselesaan, kitalah yang bertanggungjawab mewujudkan keharmonian dan keceriaan yang sepatutnya. Apa sahaja cabarannya, kitalah yang harus bersedia untuk mengatasinya, secara kolektif. Apa sahaja masalahnya, kita akan selesaikannya bersama-sama.

Saya berharap dengan selesainya pembacaan entri ini, anda akan dapat merasakan apa yang saya rasakan. Jiwa anda pasti bergetar, jika tidak terusik walau sedikit, dan getaran itulah harapnya akan menjadi inspirasi untuk kita sama-sama membina Malaysia yang lebih harmoni. Dengan getaran yang samalah, saya mengharapkan agar ada suara-suara luar di sana yang sudi berkongsi pandangan dan pendapat merekaseperti mana saya ingin menyuarakan pendapat saya. Dan yang paling penting, saya ingin menjadi seorang pendengar, yang mendengar dengan tekun setiap perkataan yang anda akan lafazkan.

Saya akan selama-lamanya menjadi rakyat Malaysia.

Apa makna Malaysia bagi anda?

i need some madskillz.

2009-07-18T15:57:00.005+01:00

I'm heading for BTN tomorrow!

*takes away exclamation mark and throws it away*

Then again, exclamation marks could express frustration. Anyway, more specifically, I'm heading over to Malacca in the morning, and then I'm taking the night bus with my friend Cher Waye to Kota Bharu, from which we will travel by my cousin's car to Besut to attend the one of the most awaited and exhilarating events of the year, possibly my life: BTN.

I decided to be generous and give you guys and entry before I disappear for about a week.

I always have those phases where I decide to listen to someone in particular. I'll pick out a few songs that I like, and then listen to them over and over again, until they're stuck in my head. Currently, it's John Mayer. I'm a little late this one considering it's from his first album Room For Squares, but I'm really into Neon. Check out this video of his amazing acoustic performance of the song:

I've been trying to learn it since around 7 p.m. (it is now 11.04 p.m.) and I'm still struggling with the main riff which plays throughout the verses. This is really difficult stuff, especially for a pretty average guitarist like myself. It's my mission for this holiday: to learn this song! It'll be quite a personal achievement if I do master the guitar parts, considering I don't know much complicated guitar stuff.

Speaking of which, can anyone recommend a good site or video where I can learn how to do that slapping thing (is that what it's called?) which he does in the video, for an acoustic guitar? I've been trying to find one. Help would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and in my recent Youtube lepak sessions, I found someone who I think does pretty creative covers of songs, Alex Cornell. He's got some skills on the guitar and pretty good voice. I will end this entry with his cover of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. His other stuff is cool too, so go check them out.

Wish me luck in BTN!

zip it or lose it.

2009-07-16T10:53:00.005+01:00

So check this out.

Event #1: Our government has decided that it's a wise decision to reverse the use of English in the teaching of Science and Mathematics back to Malay. It's done in an effort to elevate academic standards in Malaysia.

Event #2: The same government has a course called Biro Tata Negara (BTN) which I have to go to from July 20th-24th which will be held in the absolutely strategic (did I mention scenic?) location of Besut, Terengganu. It's done in an effort to instill patriotism and sense of belonging in this country.

Conclusion? As usual, the intents are noble but the methods debatable. Actually, I'm choosing the word 'debatable' because of how moderate it is, not how much reason I think it provides my statement. (It doesn't provide much reason, really) Oops, did I just type that? Ahem ahem. Anyway, BTN is going to be quite a challenging (what a word to use) experience for individuals like me who often have a problem keeping their mouths and minds shut.

But I'll do my best, of course. Oh, the things we do for our scholarships. :P I just want to play music, man.

...oh, how coincidental. My dear sponsor just gave me a call. *checks for bugs and hidden cameras* ...what? Just making sure they were still working, my dears. ;)

Anyways. I might go out for a movie tonight. I'm torn between Public Enemies and the new Harry Potter movie. But I probably will opt for Public Enemies. Why? I don't know jackshit about this movie except that it's supposed to be good, whereas I've read that Harry Potter book before. Except I don't remember the storyline, but I remember not liking that book in particular. I'll just watch it another day.

Ugh, did I mention I have a horrible acne problem at the moment? It's going wild on my forehead, chest and back. I don't know why, but it's very revolting to me. And to some other people too, I'm sure. It started on my last day in Maldives. :( I went to get some acne medication yesterday, hopefully it'll help.

Shit, I'm turning 20 in a few months' time.

What the fuck.

dream dance.

2009-07-14T10:50:00.003+01:00

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEY THINK OF MY SONGSSSSS. :( :( :(

Anyway, as promised, here is my new song. I finished writing it towards my last term in KTJ, so here's the finished product. I've never done a song with so many freaking layers. Took me the whole afternoon to record this one.

As usual, give it a listen here on stream it from my music player on the right. :) Lyrics are here:

Dream Dance

Music & Lyrics by Zhi Wei

In this place

be ready to drop defenses

and the steady hands suppressing your senses

You know you want to let go

In the glow

of glaring green and smoke

catch the neon lights before they go off

Into the night they will follow

PRE-CHORUS

I tried to make it go but

just can't lay low

I tried to keep control but

just can't say no

Maybe it's better to surrender

to this rhythm that I know

CHORUS

Breathe in the music and the beat in between

We're free, we're moving like we're dancing in a dream

Realise every feeling in your mind

Hold your breath

Don't blink or miss a moment

Capture every single sensation

You know you want to release

And now please

just let it tease me, free me

steal me from my weary, weary world

Carry me out of this journey

I'm going nowhere I'm just travelling in circles

PRE-CHORUS

CHORUS

It's slowly quieting down, I'm finally coming around

It's nearly ending now, all the sights and the sounds

PRE-CHORUS

CHORUS

(Fill my empty world)

---

COMMENTS, PLEASE.

okay, final FINAL version of Love Song For Later is up.

2009-07-14T06:19:00.002+01:00

Hahahahaha. Okay so I knew this would happen. Ignore my last entry please.

I NOW PRESENT TO YOU. THE REFINED, FINAL FINAL VERSION of Love Song For Later! With drums! Haha. Nothing fancy on the drums... I just used an Apple drum loop. The whole idea is to make the song sound less dry in the background, because I've performed it with drums before and it sounds a whole lot better. So yeah, folks. Listen to it here, or use the Reverbnation player on the right. :)

And readers of this blog, could you please comment on this one? I need your feedback. And also, I'm thinking of creating a separate blog for my music... a music blog, so to speak, if there is such a term. Do you guys think I should? The blog would be exclusively for my music (lyrics and other miscellaneous info) and updates about any new songs. Should I?

final version of Love Song For Later is UP!

2009-07-13T15:43:00.004+01:00

YES!

I finally recorded a refined version of Love Song For Later with backup vocals and harmonisation. It is now on my Reverbnation playlist (look right!).

Thank you to Jean for giving me ideas on harmonisation while I was in school! Hopefully you guys will give it a listen and tell me what you think.

New song coming up soon. Recording's a bit of a bitch at home because in the morning there are birds chirping everywhere. Haha. That's what you get when you live near a jungle. I have turn nocturnal to get my recordings done. Oh, what I do for the fans! *dramatic sigh* Hahah.

I'll be back with another song!

EDIT: Okay, maybe that's not the final version of LSFL. I might try to add some drums. :D

I have returned from a land called heaven.

2009-07-12T13:32:00.006+01:00

Actually, it's Maldives. Everyone knows I don't believe in heaven and hell. Haha. Yes, I am back from my trip to Maldives. For your information, this is my first REAL holiday (considering any holidays I've had with my family before occurred at an age when I just can't remember anything) and I have to say that for a first, it was PRETTY DAMN AWESOME.

I'm not going to post a lot of photos here, because I spent the whole afternoon organizing my photos and uploading some of them to Facebook. So if you're ready to feel envious via visual stimulation, feel free to take a look at my photo album for the trip on Facebook.

I shall now enlighten you on what I did for the past six days! :D Prepare to turn a mean shade of green, people!

There were five of us - me, Tze Chiang, Aflaah, Cher Waye and Leila. On the night of the 6th, we arrived at Male International Airport and then took a flight to the island of Gan, followed by a short boat ride to Addu Atoll, where our resort was located. We were staying in Shangri-La's first ever resort in the world - the Shangri-La Villingili Resort & Spa, Addu Atoll. I was actually dead tired upon arrival (all of us were) because it was the middle of the night, but when I saw the villas we were staying in, I didn't want to sleep anymore.

We occupied two beautiful beach villas. Get this. Each villa had a very comfy bedroom adjoined to an extremely spacious bathroom (with an indoor shower, outdoor shower, bathtub) and also a separate living room located near the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, there's a pool (as you see above) leading to a private beach of our own. :D

WHO WANTS TO SLEEP IN THIS PLACE, YOU TELL ME. You just want to smell every piece of furniture and swim forever while sipping cocktails and basically do nothing productive whatsoever.

At that point, I was thinking - damn, if I believed in God, this must be the stuff of heaven. Haha.

Plus, the Shangri-La stuff really knows how to make you feel pampered. We were pretty much treated like kings - if we wanted something, all we had to was ask for it, and they'd most probably give it to us. Like if we wanted to eat or drink something which wasn't on the menu, all we had to do was ask. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf.

I will now skip to the part where I had breakfast because IT WAS THE BEST BREAKFAST I EVER HAD. The longest too. I think it lasted over two hours - I had three courses: fresh fruit salad, fried eggs with sausages and asparagus, and pancakes with bananas. Holy crap, it was soooooo soooo gooooood.

Over the next few days, we did some pretty fun stuff with delightfully tasting (and filling, and expensively priced) meals in between. I swear, the food I had there was among the best I've ever had, especially the seafood. Maldivian fish curry, sauteed tiger shrimps, angus beef, yellowfin tuna, smoked gazpacho, akjsdhakjsdh.... everything was so fresh and wonderful and heavenly. Even the bread was so good! Every meal was at least two-hours long, man and consisted of at least three courses. What the fuck. I miss it already!

We went for a beginner's course for scuba diving since none of us (except Leila) had a diving license. It was pretty cool, and a completely new experience for me, diving down to the sea and looking at corals and the aquatic life. Pretty great stuff. AND. The best part for me had to be when we finished the diving and got back on the boat... they prepared a fresh fruit platter specially for us with strawberries, grapes, kiwi fruits, etc. OMFG WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!? It was so sinfully good. So, so good.

We also went snorkelling... however, the weather wasn't too favourable when we were doing this so we didn't get to do it for long. But it was still pretty fun. Cher Waye and Tze Chiang tried wakeboarding... haha, they only managed to remain standing for several seconds at best. It was quite amusing watching them try, though. Haha. And then we did some pointless fun water activities like the banana boat and fun tube, both of which basically involved us being thrown around in the middle of the sea by a really fast speedboat. Hahaha.

And then there were the night fishing trips. On our first one, Aflaah and Cher Waye caught a few fishes (which were then cooked the next day and served to us - DELICIOUS STUFF) but on our second night it was pretty depressing because all five of us caught jackshit. Haha. Oh, oh, and we went on this amazing dolphin cruise where we saw LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTSSSS of dolphins. Spinning dolphins, in particular - these are dolphins that jump out of the water and spin around, as their name suggests. They were so adorable! I'd never seen dolphins up close before, so yeah. :D

Anyway, I think that's roughly what we did over the five days. Actually we spent most of our time eating, really. Hahaha. Not that I regret it, of course, because the food was beyond delicious. The villas were fantastic and scenic. The activities were really fun too - too bad we aren't the richest bunch, otherwise we would have done a lot more.

If you are curious to know how I got to go to such a luxurious place, well, let's just put it this way: one of the best friendships I've made in KTJ happens to come with amazing side benefits. :P Haha. I would never have been able to afford such a holiday otherwise - we only had to pay for the water sports, and even that was at a special rate.

Cheers. Here's to the good life! Goodness knows if it will ever be mine. Haha. But for the five days when it lasted, I must say, excessive self-indulgence - for all its sinful qualities (if you believe in that sort of stuff) - really does a thing or two for you. Check out my Facebook for more pictures. Until then, this is me, signing off to retreat into my own little world.

my songs my songs my songs my songs. :D

2009-07-05T04:31:00.006+01:00

I've been DYING to upload the new, a lot more refined recordings of my own songs... and now that I'm back home (at least for today), I was finally able to do it! :D

These are recordings of my new songs done on Mac's Garage Band (a million thanks to Ishmam for helping me with them). There are a total of four songs so far! Just use the widget below to listen to the songs. I've also decided to include a bit of info about the songs below. Oh, and if you want to sing along :D :D the lyrics are available on the player itself as well. :)

1. 28 Days

This is probably my best song, lyrically. I've had comments saying that the style resembles that of Jason Mraz and even JT and Craig David... Now you tell me what it sounds like to you. :D

2. You Don't Know

This is supposed to be one of my rock-ier compositions. I've just started learning how to use Garage Band, so I need to figure out how to add drums, bass and all that jazz to the recordings. For now, this acoustic version will have to do!

3. Never

This is the EMO TRACK. Haha. Not a morning song. Please do not listen after break-up to prevent yourself from aggravating your heartbreak. :P

4. Love Song For Later

Most people who have heard my songs think that this is my best song so far. Is it? You tell me! A version with harmonisation and backup vocals will be posted up as soon as I get to recording it; this one's a raw track.

I WANT FEEDBACK AND COMMENTS, PEOPLE!

speech day.

2009-07-04T18:04:00.001+01:00

You know what I hate most about endings?

It's not the part where you have to leave. It's not the part where you wish things could just go on the way they were forever. It's the part where I don't know what in the name of peanut butter sandwiches I should do just as everything is ending.

Let me give you an illustration of my point. So today was Speech Day in KTJ, more fondly known as the last day of school for the leavers (like me). When it ended, after the frenzy of picture-taking and I-miss-you's was over, I found myself at a point where I wasn't sure what I was doing there. Does that ever happen to you? Because it happens to me after every single event. Prom. Performances. Etc. It feels so strange, like suddenly the world ceases to mean anything for a couple of seconds because you probably made so much (too much, maybe) in anticipation of the event which only just concluded.

It's mind-boggling to me, really.

Okay, somebody tell me again why I found this even remotely interesting enough to talk about here.

So yeah. Speech Day.

Before I go on my long, boring reflective rant, can I just announce that yours truly won the soprestigiousyouneedmadskillzlikeME:D Tunku Naquiyiddin All-Rounder Award and I AM SUPER HAPPY ABOUT IT WHOOHOO! Sekianterimakasihsiladatanglagilainkali. Hahaha. Okay, but seriously, I can't stop smiling about it. Congrats to Tian Huey too, who more than deservedly got the same award for the girls' category. :)

Anyway, back to the topic. Last day of school. I was having bittersweet feelings about leaving KTJ the night before when I was packing. Despite some of the really stupid rules (and even stupider people) that exist in KTJ, a lot of things have happened to me during my time there. Many experiences, events, memories and most importantly people that I cannot and do not want to forget.

My best buddies and housemates Tze Chiang and Aflaah!

People who know me are aware that I didn't really have much of a life during secondary school, and the most enriching and colourful things I've experienced have mostly come only after my secondary school life; a big part of that comes from my time in KTJ.

I learned a great deal about true friendship and what it means to have people stick with you through your worst times, which is pretty much the equivalent of the times when you will be most annoying to everyone. If not for my best friends, I would probably have been feeling pretty lost in a place like KTJ. Everyone seems to be reduced to their cliques and their own ideals, but it's not about a sense of being accepted, it's more about finding people with whom you know you can be honest. It's like a group of people coming from completely different places and then converging at one point, and you're at that point.

We sing song all day long lalala :D

I discovered that my true passion had always been music. Had I not come to KTJ, I would not have had the opportunity to play leading roles in musical productions, or perform as much as I did. And I would definitely not have met extremely encouraging people like Jean and Emily, who gave me plenty of confidence to perform more, ultimately helping me to look at music in different ways and growing as a singer and songwriter.

I now know what gives me the drive when I wake up in the morning, that sense of purpose. It's the melody that never stops playing in my head. It's the need to create and express through music and lyrics. It's that urge to burst out into random bouts of song at the expense of my own image as a mentally-stable person. That's what my passion is. That's what I live for.

Meet my future music producer, the incredible Ishmam Rahman!

I learned about people and relationships. Although I probably wasted too much time over the two years being pulled back and forth through something that didn't mean much, the stupidity and inevitable heartbreak (as a resul of that stupidity) taught me several important lessons and also led me to realising what I needed, what I wanted, what was real and what wasn't. I can't say it was the most enjoyable journey (actually for the most part it wasn't enjoyable at all), but it brought me somewhere I wanted to be nonetheless: I found meaning in the most unlikeliest of places and times. And that's what I have to keep in mind.

I learned about how you as a person and the things you say and do can inspire change (both good and bad) in others around you. Everyone's looking for a leader, for a direction, because we all get a little lost sometimes along the way. Our own experiences have given each of us as individuals different pieces of the puzzle, and sometimes *hums the U2 song* you can't make it on your own. You're not being vulnerable, you're just being more efficient, really.

Me with most of the L6ers. Enjoy OBS, guys!

Miss Belinda and Miss Sarah - two of the coolest teachers in school!

By nature, I've always enjoyed questioning authority. A rebellious non-conformist lies somewhere in my personality, although, most of the time I deny it because it comes with plenty of negative connotations. But some figures of authority that I've met in KTJ have made me reconsider a few times. Sometimes there are people in power who really are ready and willing to use that power to guide you. I've only met so few of such people in my life, and I'm glad to say there were a few of them in KTJ.

My sister calls this geek-chic. :D

And of course, after all the drama that has ensued during my time in KTJ, I have also learned one important rule, the golden rule - to live life and take it one day at a time. Too much seriousness never did anyone any good. :D I think I've had enough of that in today's entry, so I'm ending it here then.

Dear KTJ, thanks for everything!

camp.

2009-07-02T01:48:00.002+01:00

I recently got back from a 5-day pre-departure camp by Bank Negara. It was in Lanai Kijang, this 5-star class hotel for the central bank's training programmes as well as guests from abroad. It's a pretty good place, decked up with great facilities like a gym, sauna, jacuzzi, etc. The only downside for me was that the atmosphere was quite uptight - it was expected though, of course, because foreign ministers or other people of importance (foreign or local) are regularly there for real business. So there was like a dress code and shit.

The participants and some Bank Negara staff.

As usual, we had the talks, which, on the most part, I felt weren't particularly productive. Everyone knows that pre-departure camps are about convincing the scholars to come back and serve their sponsors. Not that it's bad, it's only rational that they expect returns on their investment. I think the talks were mostly ineffective, but later on during the programme, we got to visit Bank Negara departments as well as other places related to the operation of the bank, and that was truly interesting.

For the first time since I my interview (in which I had a very impressive interviewer - the balding dude behind me in the picture), I felt genuine interest and possibly excitement about the prospects of working in the country's central bank.

Oh, did I mention? We went to one of the vaults in Bank Negara's Shah Alam branch, and I got to hold ONE MILLION RINGGIT CASH in my hands. For about like 2 seconds because everyone wanted to touch the damn thing. Haha. And also, I saw 8.7 BILLION RINGGIT worth of cash reserves in front of my face! It was quite overwhelming to be in the presence of so much moolah, frankly. Haha!

On the whole, the camp was pretty okay. It renewed my interest about the central bank, made a reputation as a singer and songwriter amongst the people who were there (both staff and scholars) and made some new friends. All is good.

I haven't updated this blog in a long time because... I don't know, I guess I've been taking some time off just to think about some things that have been happening so quickly over the past month. Important things, both upsetting and uplifting, all in the attempt to gain some perspective on certain issues which affect my life.

Perspective. If you don't flick the right switches, it can be one of the most difficult things to achieve or change. But once you're looking in all the right places, perspective seems to come easily. I guess we are all impressionable in some way to a certain level. Or am I person who's just too quick in making up his mind, only to regret it later on? Perhaps I am. All I have to do is look a couple of posts back on this blog and I'm already disagreeing with some of the things I said.

Sigh.

Listening to jazz on a cold, rainy morning and just putting thoughts down on paper has a strangely calming sensation about it.

I will write more later.

one.

2009-06-11T01:52:00.002+01:00

Hello, did anybody miss me?

The silence is deafening. Haha. I've got two more papers left tomorrow and then madness will begin. I should be studying Accounting now but don't worry, I'm going to get back soon as this will be a short entry.

I was thinking of moving my blog. For what reason? I don't know. No reason. For fun. Hands up those who think I should move this, if you're still reading.

Aimee, I've come to realise that you're the only person who REALLY reads every entry I write and bothers to comment on most of them. Hahaha. And you know what, your blog is probably the only one that I frequent nowadays.

And now we shall make the transition into the incredibly exhilarating and adrenalin-pumping world of debits and credits.

hold.

2009-05-29T01:27:00.003+01:00

I deleted the last post because it was filled with a lot of incoherent anger and bitterness.
I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was.
I don't think I'll be updating this blog as much for the next few weeks because 1) I have exams, 2)I don't think much is going to be appearing here except a lot of swearing and angry shit, considering the recent events that have transpired.
Thank you for playing this game and making me feel that none of it meant anything real.
Just a short hiatus I guess. I'll be back.

Until then.
I hate you.
I just want to get out of this place so I can forget about everything that was supposed to mean something.

space.

2009-05-23T01:03:00.006+01:00

I was at breakfast alone today. I don't know why people find it such a hard thing to do here in KTJ, to be alone at the dining hall. There are some people I know who say that they would rather stay in the house and eat instant noodles than go to the dining hall alone. What's up with that?

Tallest, taller, not tall at all. Hahaha. Cher Waye jangan marah ok.

I'll admit, I'm generally a person who enjoys company. And I don't like being alone, especially not when I'm having a bad day. Company always cheers me up. Well, not always, it does depend on whose company we're talking about. There are a few individuals I can think of whose company I would absolutely despise. Hahah. But on the whole, I like having someone to talk to when I'm down.

My point is, despite that, there are those occasional moments when I enjoy being on my own. Strangely enough, when everything seems to be good, that's when those moments usually take place. I think it's because when everything is great, it gives me a sense of calmness and clarity to reflect without interruptions. I was thinking about a few things today at breakfast and I thought I'd share them with you here.

I was a kid who grew up in a pretty restricted environment. For the most part of my childhood and teenage life, I often had to involuntarily conform to the sets of rules and ideals which were deemed appropriate by my parents. Some of them were pretty extreme and there was a point when I really hated them for it, but growing up gives you time to think, and nowadays, I figure I can't really blame them for what they did; they only wanted what they thought was best for me.

Because of those restrictions, I've become a person who greatly values freedom, so much that it's an essential element when it comes to the way I act and behave. From a child who obediently adhered to rules set by a higher authority, I've become someone who questions the existence of authority in the first place.

I dislike labels. A schoolmate once shared her point of view with me and said that everyone is here to be put into jars and labelled accordingly, because that's the way human beings see things. She was complaining about how I couldn't be just floating freely wherever I please, that even I belonged in one of those jars. I told her what I thought of her opinion, which was the equivalent of a crock of shit.

Well, maybe there is some truth in the whole people-belonging-in-jars idea. But I dislike it, anyway, because labels are so stifling. It's like how I enjoy music, whatever music it is. I don't like to categorize music. I find the 'genre' column in my iTunes irritating at times.

It's the same reason why I don't really like so-called musical purists. At some point in our lives, we enjoyed listening to a song that we probably laugh about today. I want to be free to listen to what I want without having someone tell me that it's real music or not. I said this quite awhile ago to a group of people (Ishmam, I wonder if you remember, because you were there!): Fuck the genres, fuck the categorization. Music is music. Listen to it, enjoy it, breathe it, live it.

And then there's religion. One thing I'm really grateful about in my bringing up is that my parents never imposed any religious beliefs on me. I'm not sure about my dad, but I know my mum has her Buddhist beliefs. That was one thing they never tried to control. In fact, I didn't really know that people believed in God until I started going to school and had classmates who were absolutely mind-boggled at my 'lack of awareness'. I'm pretty aware now, but all I've found is a greater reason not to believe. Sorry to disappoint.

Apart from the scientific arguments, I think one of the main reasons why I reject religion (especially as an institution) is because of how I find it personally suffocating, how it comes at the expense at the freedom which I cherish so much. My experiences have also included meeting people who always try to tell me what I should believe in or worse, that what I believe in (which is nothing) is sinful and even wrong. Talk like that, to me, is condescending and hypocritical, even insulting to the idea of being free person.

I like to be free to believe what I want because it's my experiences which have shaped my views, not yours or those of civilizations which existed aeons ago.

E-Quine, please upload the photos. :P

I like to be free to love, however I wish to love, without the labels and peer pressure and ideals induced by too much bad television. It really annoys me sometimes, when people ask me and bug me about my relationship with E-Quine. I hate it even more when they want to pressure me into conforming to their grand ideas of what a relationship should be like. What it should be like?! We love each other and we're happy. The way I see it, a lot of people in so-called real relationships are a lot less happy than we are.

By the way, just as I informed you guys about our 'breakup' a couple of weeks ago, I think you should know that we've decided to work things out between us and start talking again. Let's just say that during the two weeks when we didn't talk, I fully realised my fair (and significant) share of mistakes with her... so I felt that maybe working things out was a better option.

Core Maths 4 is crossed out because IalreadyhaveanAmotherfuckers. Hahaa. Self-absorbed, I know.

I like to be free to decide what to do with my own life. To a certain extent, this has already been compromised because of the bond which comes with my scholarship. It lingers on my mind every day, it bothers me. Will I be able to change it? I don't want to have my life or career mapped out by my sponsors. I don't want my life to be owned by an organization. It's not even a person. At least you can care about a person. It's an organization which serves a country which isn't extremely good at serving its people.

The sad thing about all this is, the same upbringing which caused this love for freedom has probably also made me a person with a tendency of wanting to control things at the expense of someone else's freedom. My time here in KTJ and the relationships I've had with people have made me realise this even more. I do it unconsciously and it really does create a problem with the people I know. I'm trying to change that because I'm afraid of becoming the same kind of an adult that I used to hate as a kid.

I think if someone ever asked me what freedom meant to me, I think this would be my response. It's not the most eloquent you'll find... but I guess what it lacks in eloquence, it makes up in honesty. And sometimes I think that's hard to find, even with ourselves.

where's the bug spray?

2009-05-19T04:20:00.000+01:00

Do you ever notice how, in your attempt to sound reasonable, the use of the word "some" makes you seem like a person with very little conviction?

Take for example this completely random sentence (or not): Men are vultures. It's a sweeping statement, not exactly the most advisable sort to make during the course of a debate.

Except that in front of a crowd of unenlightened brainwashed idiots, "Men are vultures" makes for a far more convincing argument than "some men are vultures", which just sounds weak and lacking in credibility. Strangely enough, most people that we know (including ourselves, most of the time) are unenlightened brainwashed idiots in some way. This gives greater weight overall to statements like that which are severely lacking in the logic department. My point is, to sound intelligent amongst idiots is, in itself, an unintelligent thing to do.

Ergo, I repeat. Men are vultures.

Not that you're idiots, of course. I just needed an excuse to sound more convincing without anyone accusing me of being sexist. In light of very recent events, I've started to wonder if the human race has progressed much further from the most primitive reasons in the decision-making process. I'm talking about sex and survival, of course. ...but in this case, just sex, because it seems to me - just seems to me - that some people are in constant competition for the next hottest piece of meat they can get their grubby little hands on, especially here in this school, where unenlightened brainwashed idiots are abundant.

Oh, did you catch that? I just used the word 'some' at the expense of sounding self-doubting and unpersuasive.

The study of human behaviour truly results in strange discoveries. It's all very amusing, but it's not all fun in the big green meadow when you're involved. Except for the fact that it's quite ironic that on the same day where all of this occurs obviously enough to get my attention, that we- ...well, I guess the flesh-hungry vultures will just have to wait and see.

Who needs reality TV? The people I know are entertaining enough.

Yesterday, I smiled for the longest time in the past two weeks.
I love you. :)

i need an amputation.

2009-05-16T15:23:00.005+01:00

There is something wrong with my right hand.

The cause of distress shall not be explained here because - rest assured - it had everything to do with not using a vital organ of the human body i.e. the brain. Anyway, my right hand's having problems with activities that involve even the slightest of stress. Think things like clenching my fist and scooping rice in the dining hall.

I might have to see my matron about this because it's been deteriorating. Not my favourite choice of action, considering how half of my visits to my house matron involves her telling me why I should really believe in God. Sometimes it comes with a magazine. It amazes me that she thinks I'll actually read them.

Hi. Remember this picture?

But I should really consider seeing her because the pain's getting worse everyday. Maybe the pain will get so bad that I can't write, and then I'll end up failing my A2 and lose my scholarship. Actually, at the rate I'm going, I'm going to flunk my A-Levels (not like anyone believes me when I say things like these anyway).

Which reminds me. I should correct myself in the previous post. My new lifestyle shouldn't be House MD, study, sleep, repeat. It should just be House MD, House MD and more House MD. I don't even want to sleep because half the time I can't. Haha. And studying isn't exactly the most inspiring part of my daily routine at the moment.

My room has become the House MD Room. People are just popping in to watch one episode of House after another. Bloody parasites.

Did I say that I wrote a new song? Oh yes, I did. It's called "Never". Judging from the title (which is just bursting with positive vibes) and my recent cheerful entries about sunshine and sunflowers, you can tell that it's an incredibly uplifting song.

I was asking an opinion from a classmate today in the Sixth Form and Miss Sarah walked in. And when I finished playing the song, she expressed her bewilderment as to why I would plan on depressing everyone on a beautiful Saturday morning. That was the point at which I rejoiced, of course, having achieved the aim of the song. :P

This brings me to the point of stupid decisions. Like KTJ's decision to limit bandwidth (such as cutting off access to YouTube) in an attempt to speed up the Internet. Usually, this is where we say that the intentions are noble, but have little practical benefits. In this case, there are no practical benefits at all; in fact, even the so-called noble intentions have failed to been realised.

Our Internet speed seems to be only spiralling downwards. And we can't access YouTube. And I can't upload any of the new recordings I've done recently for the wonderful people who bother listening to my music.

I heard that certain power-wielding figures of authority in school are actually contemplating the banning of Facebook next. Absolutely brilliant.

I think I'm becoming increasingly bitter by the day. Well. I probably am.
Oh, Rachael Yamagata just came on.
My iTunes likes to mess with me.
I don't know if you wanted this silence. But I regret it now, every day. What I'd give just to have you here again.

of house and square ones.

2009-05-15T10:17:00.006+01:00

I am a big, fat ball of fuzzy-wuzzy happiness.

Why? I don't know, maybe it's the loss of sleep and the sexy dark circles that come with it; adds to the irresistible enigma that surrounds me. I'm going to need some of that now I'm out of a rela- wait, what did we call it again? Thing. Right. What a word... just shimmers with meaning, if you know what I mean. And my body, I could not fail to mention - to die for, of course, thanks to appetite that's disappeared over the previous week, resulting in the rapid loss of weight (you're getting jealous now, aren't you).

Self-induced heartbreak? Oh, what are you talking about! I've got that fantastic routine to move on with to wipe out all the feelings of guilt and stupidity! Especially the extra Maths classes over the study leave - nothing as exciting as a little intellectual stimulation through vectors and parametric equations! And in between all of that, I get to sink my teeth in the unbelievably appetizing cuisine of the KTJ dining hall. Drives my taste buds WILD! :D

How can I not possibly be a happy man?

I think I've been watching a bit too much of House MD.

Yeah, I know I'm a little behind to be starting now, since House MD isn't all that new. I started during the previous holidays and I just entered season 2 today. While I'm not living my incredibly interesting and joyous life, I stay in my room nowadays and watch one episode after another.

But me being outdated is irrelevant. I've found the ultimate remedy for my lack of will to do anything at all. I'm not too quick with understanding the medical jargon of the show, but I absolutely love House's character. Sardonic, smart and miserable. Being a crippled , inconsiderate jackass has never been this cool.

I knew having those House episodes would come in handy this term. I must be pretty good at predicting social disaster. It tends to all crumble around this time of the year.

Anyway, I'm going to shower now. Can't wait for the mouth-watering fodder at 6.15. And after that, it's House, study, sleep (or attempts to), and repeat.

Misery loves company.

The last episode of House I watched just had to play Damien Rice's Delicate at the end. Wonderful.

MAJOR EDIT: I just came back from dinner. IT ACTUALLY TASTED GOOD TODAY. :D I even went for a second serving. Haha.

"...right now." just not later.

2009-05-14T13:52:00.004+01:00

Or earlier, for that matter.

Would have been useful to have been thinking in literal terms.

Discipline was never one of my strongest traits.

My lack of it makes me a pathetic idiot.

Now I will quote my own song 28 Days.

And there is nothing now
nothing now again.

my lousy streak continues.

2009-05-14T08:34:00.002+01:00

O world, thou art cruel!

What does generosity receive in return? MISSING THINGS, that's what. I'd lent my hard disk to some of my housemates at the beginning of this term, and now the last person who kept it has lost my precious hard disk.

ASJHSDJHGSJDHGSDHJSDG.

Months and months of downloading movies and TV series - all that effort has been reduced into nothing! Nada! Zilch! ALL GONE! Why why why why why why why. Why do you do this to me. I want my hard disk back. :(

I've lost my hard disk, next thing I'll be losing is my mind.

I'm slowly losing everything I had, one by one.
Have I lost you, too?
So much for an attempt at being positive. It's hard when people do stupid things like steal hard disks. akjsdkahds.

FUCK YOU, THIEF.

meaningless offensive post.

2009-05-12T07:52:00.002+01:00

Routine is dull.

I am going to ramble irrationally in this post because I need to let out all the frustration inside.

Can somebody please tell me. When is this studying business going to end? I'm so fed up with it sometimes. Half the time I don't know exactly what I'm studying, and when I do, I don't see how it applies anywhere in my life except getting me to the next academic level i.e. university which would then involve more studying.

What the fuck?

I'm always told that it's such a waste that I'm studying Accounting and Finance. Well. You know what? I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME. Please, do me a favour and shut the fuck up about what I should or shouldn't be doing. I don't have to explain myself to you. It's not like I enjoy being on a scholarship which bonds me for 10 years after I finish university. And spare me the 'mature' and 'realistic' reasons why that's actually not such a bad thing because you know what, I know them, I don't need you to tell me.

And it's so exhausting to have to always resort to the 'oh you know what it's not that bad if you think about it this way' excuse because it's just another way of avoiding the fact that you didn't get to do what you wanted in the first place. Fuck, yes, I want to be immature and pissy and emo today.

You know why? Because I feel empty. This sick stupid routine makes me feel fucking empty. I want to swear and scream at everybody because everything makes me feel empty. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, I just want to burn something or watch something explode. Something exciting, I don't know.

I know what I want to do. I want to be able to sit around and just write songs and record them all day without having to worry about stupid man-made institutionalized ideas of achievement like GRADES. Or a CAREER. Or CHANGING THE FUCKING WORLD. Fuck, I want to be indifferent towards everything and just write my music and be self-absorbed. You know why? It makes me really happy.

The other day, a friend was describing to me what it's like to be high on certain kinds of drugs. I depend on verbal descriptions because I'm too much of a pussy shit to actually try that stuff, but sometimes, the effects that I hear about sound like what I have when I play music. Little doses of happiness. I don't need drugs. I just want music. Music music music everywhere, all the time. Hear it, smell it, breathe it, live it, that's all I want to do.

I want to be happy. So what if I want to be a hedonist? Don't you judge me, you're just as flawed as I am somewhere else, if not more.

Fuck A-Levels. Why the fuck do I need to know how to integrate trigonometric functions? I'm never going to use it. I don't care if it helped the world get to where it is in the bigger picture of things, I want to be selfish and say, IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF I KNOW IT OR NOT.

I'm very aksjdaksjdhakjdsh today. I don't know the word. I don't want to find out what it is for the sake of making this entry linguistically valid.

For fuck's sake, what the fuck did I do. I'm lost.

I just want a time machine and rewind things back a couple of months. Can somebody build me one, please?

I don't want to be coherent today.

I'll try to be more positive tomorrow. Just give me a break today, please.

reading this title will waste your time.

2009-05-03T03:07:00.004+01:00

Good morning, wonderful people in a not-so-wonderful world.

Firstly, apologies for the previous two self-absorbed emotion-ridden entries. Haha, I've come to describe emotion as though it were a pest... perhaps sometimes it is, especially when you're a person like me. And like any other pest, I'm thinking it needs to be exterminated right about now. At least for the next few months anyway.

I do feel all the things one is expected to feel after separation. Loss. Sadness. Frustration. Yeah, familiar feelings, but I figure I've spent enough time and energy moping about how my love life can't be, so it's time to get things back on track. As Tugg Speedman's agent the Pecker says in Tropic Thunder, time to get back on those monkey bars! Haha.

When I went out to watch Wolverine the other day, Aflaah and Cher Waye bought me this cute tie pin:

It's a guitar! :D They said it reminded them of me, so they just decided on impulse to buy it and give it to me. Gift-wrapped and all, some more. Hahaha. So thoughtful of them. :) Maybe I'll just pin it on when I'm performing during prom for kicks.

In other news, lately, I've developed a new craving. For a Macbook. Yes, I have turned to the dark side. Or the right side, as pro-Macs would probably say. :P And why? Because recently, my friend Ishmam introduced me to this Mac application called Garage Band which is a reallllly cool program to record songs and stuff. She's been helping me do recordings of my latest songs (I'm about to do one more later in the afternoon) and the quality's so much better than what I can do with my crappy laptop.

It's not as mind-blowingly brilliant as the studio recordings that I did, of course, but hey, it's good enough. I'm going to write about a few more songs so I can have around 5-7 songs before I leave KTJ. Could make an EP or something. :D So excited! People say I should be worrying more about my A-Levels. Maybe I should. But I love music too much. SORRY IF YOU DON'T SHARE MY PASSION, YOU BORING ACADEMIC PEOPLE.

Which brings me to my next grievance. In light of complaints about the sloth-like Internet speed in KTJ, the intellectually abysmal IT department has decided to limit the bandwith as well as cutting off access to data-streaming sites. LIKE YOUTUBE. YOUTUBE, people!!! ajkdgajhdgajdgajhdgjgsd. WTF. Dear KTJ, do you derive sick pleasure from inducing clinical psychotic reactions amongst thy students?

I mean, what in the name of peanut butter sandwiches would inspire someone to BLOCK YOUTUBE to make the Internet faster?!?! PLUS, IT ISN'T GETTING FASTER. Unenlightened half-wits!

It pisses me off because it means it's almost impossible for me to one, watch videos; two, upload the new recordings or songs that I've done to share with you, my ever-supportive and endearing fans. Haha. Just joking on the last part there. :P I know I've got a couple of readers who absolutely despise me. If you're one of them, feel free to fuck off my blog, stop commenting about everything that happens in my life and get your own, yeah? Comprende? Good.

Anyway, I am going to be inconsiderate and blast loud music in my room now. WITH MY NEW SPEAKERS. Whoohoo. :D

reality check.

2009-05-02T09:46:00.005+01:00

I watched Wolverine yesterday. It wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

I have a really bad headache today.

I need to start studying, but I cannot be bothered. My exams are in a month's time.

Honestly, I feel terrible. I haven't felt this shitty in awhile.

If only things were different.

Well, at least I got new speakers. I'm going to blast some music now and annoy everyone else.
I miss you.

172.

2009-04-29T06:43:00.005+01:00

This will be a very emotional, sentimental entry.

I just thought I should let you guys know that I ended things between me and E-Quine today.

Yeah. I would appreciate people not asking why because I'm a bit tired today from explaining to different people the exact reasons why I decided to end it. But there were good reasons on both our sides. And in a way, both of us agreed it was for the better.

I have no regrets about opening up to her again last November, in case you were wondering. The events that followed the months after - as well as the happiness they evoked - were experiences that I will always remember and hold dear to my heart. So, there is no regret in what I've gone through over the past several months. There is only a heavy sense of sadness which hangs about me now, knowing that these wonderful, happy feelings have come to a close.

The paper cranes, origami hearts, the secret texts from Egypt, the Rachael Yamagata concert, sleeping in Changi Airport's Coffee Bean, the Skype conversations, the cartoons, the songs, Valentine's Day... there are too many things for me to forget, even if I ever wanted to.

I guess when it comes to relationships that work, favourable timing and circumstances are really important, both of which have eluded my relationship with E-Quine.

Maybe another time, another place, things could be better.

Perhaps I say this out of a need for self-assurance, but I know I've done the right thing by ending it. There is very little in continuing something that will only hurt us both. I figure sometimes it's better to stop things as they are, and just remember things as they are before they turn bitter.

My dearest Snowflake, if you are reading this, I love you very much. Like fields... well, you know the rest of the sentence. I will miss you. Thank you for the very pleasant memories.

And now it is time to move on.

a long update about the more notable events that occurred over the week.

2009-04-16T13:00:00.009+01:00

Can I just say that I am in love with Rachael Yamagata?

Last night, I attended her concert in Singapore with E-Quine, and she blew the brains out of our ears and filled them with wondrous heavenly sounds. She said she was having a cold and apologised for it - I was just sitting there thinking, hell, if this is how you sound like when you have a cold, your live performances must induce 2-hour long musical orgasms when you're completely healthy.

A Singaporean act called Jack & Rai (pronounced 'Ray') opened the concert with four of their original songs. They were pretty good - they were really good guitarists, and the Indian dude was a pretty decent singer. Wasn't really my kind of music, but props to them. To digress a little, I've noticed that ever since I started performing a lot more since September last year, I've been able to appreciate musical performances so much more because now that I do it regularly myself, I can really understand how difficult it is to perform well and entertain people.

Anyway, back to the concert. Rachael performed songs mostly from her new album, Elephants... Teeth Sinking Into Heart. For those who have heard tracks from the new album, you should really hear them live, especially the faster, heavier tracks because they sound SO MUCH better. I didn't particularly fancy the more rock-ish tunes on her new album when I first heard them, but last night, I understood they were really meant to be heard live. Especially Faster.

Oh, and she performed a few songs from her old album Happenstance, which I like a lot more overall compared to the new album, to be honest. SHE PERFORMED BE BE YOUR LOVE! KJAJSgajhdgjhdgjagdsj. I think I almost died spazzing out when I heard the first couple of drum beats. Any Rachael Yamagata fan would immediately recognise them! I was hoping she would play 1963 (so were many other people in the audience), but she meekly said, "I don't know how to play that anymore!". Hahaha. Ah well who cares. She played Be Be Your Love! That song is... really special to me. :)

I also cannot fail to mention that Rachael Yamagata has a really funny personality. In between the songs, she told audiences some quirky stories about a trumpet-playing ghost (from whom she apparently stole the opening tune to Over and Over) and dreams involving bears and sharks (wtf haha), just to name a couple of a the hilarious things she talked about.

Oh, and I made a mental note to post this on my blog. QUOTE OF THE NIGHT by Rachael Yamagata, before she played Little Life:

"People ask me why I always write songs about relationships. So anyway I tried to branch out a little. ...so here's a song about death."

AAaaaaaaaakjhsdkajhdkas. Damn. She is so funny. And talented. And wonderful. Oh my goodness marry me already. Who cares if you smoke like a chimney and drink like an alcoholic.

As you can see, I clearly had a fantastic time. I have effectively added "Watching Rachael Yamagata live" to my personal List of Things To Do To Make Your Life Complete.

I'm sorry I do not have any pictures of the performance. First of all, we weren't supposed to take pictures anyway. Secondly, I was too busy listening to take pictures. Thirdly, if I did take pictures, they would look like shit anyway because my camera can't take good pictures from that distance and under the dim conditions of the concert hall.

Anyway, I have thus concluded that Rachael Yamagata is a musical goddess.

---

Now, watching amazing performers like Rachael makes me want to realise my dreams of being a performer even more. So, here's a brief update about my most recent experiences in an effort to realise those dreams.

Last Friday, I started talking to Junita, a girl from my school, about some random shit and a couple of days later, she told me that she could help me get an audition because she was going for one. Needless to say, I accepted the offer. Well, the bad news was that it wasn't an audition; good news was that I got to meet some people who were involved in the music industry and also, I got to record two of my own songs (I did I Don't Know and 28 Days, obviously) in an actual recording studio! :D

That's me in the studio. Thanks Junita for snapping the picture!

For your information, I'd never been in a recording studio before, so the experience was really cool to me. I didn't get to do multitrack recording, so it was a pretty rough recordings session. I just played my songs and they recorded it. But oh my goodness, I never knew how much of a difference a studio can make to the recording of a song! (At this point, I wonder how many times I've used the word 'recording' - so much that even I'm getting annoyed at my own lousy vocabulary)

What I mean is... it sounds so much better!!!!! Well, I know, I've only had experience using my lousy in-built laptop microphone. But still. I didn't know it was that much of a difference. It was, like, universes, man. The whole experience was really cool and I didn't want to leave the studio at all. Hahah, I was like a kid, man. All I wanted to do was stay there and keep recording music.

That's the guy from MobiMusic who helped us do the recording! I can't remember his name. Damn. :(

Unfortunately, I forgot to take the CD from Junita before I headed back home, so my songs are still with her so I can't post them here. I'll have to wait until I get back to school and then I can try to copy them off the disc.

Most of the people who heard the recorded track thought that You Don't Know is a better song, as opposed to 28 Days, especially for a first impression. What do you guys think of that? The guy who was helping us record said that 28 Days could be 'too complicated' for some people because of how wordy it is.

Haha, at this point, I would remind myself that I'm writing the music that I want, not music that people want to hear. But still, it's good to get feedback. Helps me see things from a different point of view. I was also told that I needed to improve on my guitar-playing skills - now that is something which I readily agree with. Much work needed there!

The whole experience was very exciting for me though. After leaving the studio, it made me realise how much I wanted to get another opportunity to do something like that again (and again, and again). Like I always say, I'm never going to stop writing and playing my music because it really is what I'm passionate about.

At one point in my life, I wasn't really sure if I was passionate about music, but now, I am. I really want to be a performer one day - moving around, playing at gigs, entertaining people and just sharing my music with the rest of the world. Or at least, a small part of the world. Unlike many of the other mundane routines that I have to go through, performing is a routine that doesn't bore me; instead it makes me feel alive. I know it sounds like such a terrible cliché, but that is the simplest way I know how to express how music makes me feel. Alive.

And going to fantastic shows like last night's... well, that just makes me want what I want even more.

When I head off to the UK, I'm not going to stop playing. Maybe I'll busk, maybe I'll sing in bars if I can get it as a part-time job. Every performance I do will be one step closer to my dream! I'll never stop doing this because I love it that much. Hopefully, you guys will give me the support that I need! :)

pantas dan garang 4.

2009-04-08T13:07:00.007+01:00

You know what I don't get? Why movie critics on websites like Rotten Tomatoes even bother to come up with a review of movies like Fast And Furious 4.

I mean, check this out. The critical consensus for the movie on RT reads: "While Fast and Furious features the requisite action and stunts, the filmmakers have failed to provide a competent story or compelling characters."

Failed to provide a competent story or compelling characters? Well, no shit, Sherlock. It's a movie about cars, racing and girls. What did you expect, some Morgan Freeman tear-jerking shit? And we all know Paul Walker isn't anywhere near Vin Diesel when it comes to acting ability. And we also know that Vin Diesel doesn't have that much of acting ability himself.

Even more bewildering is why people like me even bother reading the critical consensus of a movie like this. Haha. But most bewildering of all must be the subtitles - Fast And Furious was quite directly translated as "Pantas dan Garang" in my local cinema when I went to watch it today. Hahaha.

But who cares, really? Michelle Rodriguez is still really hot. Except she doesn't appear a lot in this movie. Blah. Oh, speaking of which, there's a new chick in the cast:

Gal Gadot! Yum. ...no, I don't know why I have two consecutive posts in which I shamelessly post pictures of some silver screen vixen. This is not something common on my blog. I must be becoming a desperate blogger. And here's a random fact that will not change your life: Gadot happens to be 2004's Miss Israel.

Anyway, FF4 is pretty entertaining. If you like the adrenalin-pumped action involving really fast cars and lots of explosion and hot chicks splattered on your screen, then it should be pretty fun for you.

I will now proceed to rant about MSN viruses.

WILL PEOPLE STOP FUCKING CLICKING RANDOM LINKS whichareveryclearlyviruses THAT ARE SENT TO YOU OVER MSN?!?

I'm talking about those "Oh I saw you in a party, is that you in the picture: (insert obscure link here)" annoying messages which get automatically sent to the people in your contact list when individuals with Internet awareness less than that of early Neanderthals decide to get curious and click those links. And considering this sort of virus has been around for quite some time, you must be some underdeveloped trilobite not to have enough intelligence to figure out that maybe - just maybe - it's about time to stop clicking these goddamned links.

It is fucking pissing me off because I think by now, a quarter of the people on my contact list have some virus like that. Or maybe it just says something about a quarter of the people I know. And the messages keep coming like 18723618726381263812 times a day.

What in the name of peanut butter sandwiches will stop this madness?! I don't know, but please people, stop. clicking. those. links.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Macbook Air for sale at RM5800 (market price RM8000). Anyone interested?

2009-04-05T08:00:00.004+01:00

This is me helping my dad advertise the Macbook Air he's selling. Maybe I could leech off some commission if I get him a buyer. Hahaha.

---

Macbook Air - The world's thinnest notebook!

Listed below are are the product details:

Product Features
* 1.8 Intel Core 2 Duo processor with 4 MB shared L2 cache;
* Intel GMA X3100 video processor with 144 MB shared memory
* Thinnest, lightest MacBook ever includes multi-touch trackpad
* built-in iSight webcam, and up to 5-hour battery life
* One USB 2.0
* built-in Wi-Fi (802.11n draft plus 802.11b/g), Bluetooth 2.0 + EDR, Micro-DVI video output with adapters
* Preloaded with Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard operating system and iLife '08 suite of applications
* 13.3-inch glossy LED-backlit screen;
* 80 GB hard disk drive;
* 2 GB DDR2 667 of RAM Warranty until 12th March 2011 Everything inside a Box Extra: MacBook Air Keyboard Protecting Pad, Screen Protector MODEL: ZOER0002N Model No: A1237

1 year old with 2 more years APPLE warranty
Price new : RM 7999 ( exclude extended extra 2 years , inclusive about RM RM8900 )
TIP TOP VERY GOOD CONDITION (outlook 9.99/10)

Selling price: RM 5800

If you are interested or have other enquiries, please contact Mr Lee at leemngor@yahoo.com or 013-2288833.

---

Spread the word!

why we should just stare at hot chicks instead of reading the newspapers.

2009-04-05T05:08:00.006+01:00

The newspapers are so blatantly pro-government that it's nauseating to read even the headlines.

Which is probably the reason why, until now, all my attempts to cultivate a newspaper-reading habit have resulted in miserable failures.

If only I was politically-aware enough 10 years ago to use this as an excuse against my parents whenever they broke down into two-hour long dramatic Shakespearean soliloquies, lamenting their unsuccessful effort to raise a child who reads the papers. Believe me, I was a victim of constant verbal abuse.

With the whole new Prime Minister thing going on at the moment, I'm seeing a lot of articles which are so tainted with bias that I would deem it repulsive to any reasonable mind.

Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother trying to read the mainstream papers. Time could be better spent reading other things, like Empire magazine's recent cover.

Megan Fox! YUM. :D

Now, wasn't that worth much more than the fifteen minutes you spend reading that bullshit on NST? Well, not much of reading ability is needed for the task here (in fact, probably none is haha). All you need is the primitive physical yearning of a heterosexual male. I've always thought Megan Fox had the pornstar look though. Or like a really expensive hooker.

But then again, the point is, which guy can forget the scene where Megan Fox bends over the hood of the Camaro? And which guy who wouldn't want to be Shia LaBeouf in Transformers, goddamit!?

Meanwhile, please visit Miss Aimee Lee's blog because, unlike me, she still never fails to update it with her interesting, amusing and enlightening thoughts. I have clearly resorted to low tactics such as whoring pretty faces to fill in the empty spaces of my deprived blog.

Oh, and please watch the recent couple of videos she posted. Especially the pumpkin one. Haha. Aimee, please do not ever stop updating your blog because I will go to AIMST and have your head for supper if you do.

28 days - new song!

2009-03-31T11:25:00.003+01:00

New song! :D Here's one that I've been working on-and-off for quite some time. Took the advantage of the holidays to complete it. It's a sketchy first draft, and I'll probably try recording it again when my throat's feeling better.

Feedback is most welcome, as usual! You can listen to it from the Reverbnation player on the right, or by playing the YouTube video that I uploaded.

28 days by Lee Zhi Wei

She sways just like the seasons
It’s daytime television
Except it’s happening here in my life
She’s a mixed minx vixen
Generous on occasion with attention
The amusement is playing in her mind
She tells me it’s indefinite
Tells me that it’s different
Tells me that she’s here to stay
But tell me baby how indefinite can different be
When it only lasts twenty-eight days
And she says

CHORUS:
She doesn’t know if it’s real
She doesn’t know what to feel
Or maybe it’s just me that’s lost appeal
And there is nothing now
Nothing now again

She’s got me floating, hovering
holding on for more
Her hands are on my heartstrings
They’re tugging at the core
It’s being pushed and pulled around
Some days it’s flattened to the ground
But I’m still flaunting my affections
Like a golden crown
I’m beaten, battered baby
But I ain’t going down
Just in case, she chooses to stay
Beyond these twenty eight days but she says

CHORUS

She pulls me near, she softly whispers
The words in my ear
It’s so resounding, so convincing
That she’s never gonna disappear
Entangled under the midnight moonshine
A blindening bliss I will miss
Now the reminiscence of a red-blooded kiss
After twenty eight days, I’ll still be thinking of this

BRIDGE
I’m only human
Oh the yearning, how it’s burning
To be free is my only solution
To this stop-shot love, I’m walking out of
A space that’s constrained by a love that lasts twenty eight days

CHORUS

---

i'll kill herrrrrr.

2009-03-31T02:51:00.003+01:00

Today I would like to recommend a song called "I'll Kill Her" by SoKo. It's a couple of years old but I didn't know about it until like a few days ago when a friend told me about it. It's quite funky and funny. Might not be your thing, but it's surely stuck in my head right now. Look for the lyrics!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention. I'm going to see Rachael Yamagata live with E-Quine in Singapore on the 15th of April! :D *throws confetti into the air* Fun, fun, fun!

Anyways, I have a mild throat infection right now and it's annoying the hell out of me because the holidays have only just started and I'm sick. And I can't eat what I want. Ajhadjhasdjagsd.

Going to take my meds now.

I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

Hahahaha.

athletics.

2009-03-25T01:06:00.004Z

Today, I still feel like shit. Except this time around, it has a more literal ring to it - I have a bad case of diarrhoea and stomache. I've gone to the toilet 6 times since I woke up and I don't think I can even walk to the sixth form without having to go at least twice, so I'm skipping my classes today. And did I mention my head feels a bit dizzy? I can't even walk right, let alone complete the walk.

Anyway, athletics is almost over. Today's the finals but I'm not involved, so I'm going to be slightly self-absorbed (only slightly!) and update you guys about the events that I did. Haha.

We had the 800 metres race only yesterday because it was postponed. I'll give you the data, you do the maths. Basically there were 8 runners (2 from each house). With yours truly as an exception, 6 of the runners were in the top 15 for this year's cross country event. Another one runs the cross country route almost every single day, and the last one got 16th for this year's cross country. And then there was me. The statistical anomaly. The miserable number 87th for cross country who's wondering what on earth he's doing in the ranks of the athletic gods of KTJ.

Needless to say, I managed a magnificent 8th place... which thankfully still earned my house a point because I didn't collapse midway through the race which would have, in turn, lost us a point. That would have been a lot more embarrassing.

Truthfully speaking though, it wasn't as publicly humiliating as I thought it would be because one, I wasn't actually 400 metres behind everyone else (I was genuinely worried this would have been a reality, hahafunnynotreally). I was about 70 metres behind the second-last runner... which is still pretty bad when you think about it, but hey. It's no. 87 against the top 15. Cut me some slack. And also, I had a lot of wonderful support from my friends, even as I was trailing behind everyone else. Thanks a lot guys for having faith in a hopeless cause! :D

Anyway, enough about 800 metres. I have an important announcement to make:

I WON MY FIRST EVER MEDAL IN AN ATHLETIC EVENT IN THE NEAR-20 YEARS OF MY LIFE! :D

Whoohoo! (Thanks Steph for taking this random picture!)

I can't believe I did, but I did. I managed to get a bronze medal in the long jump category! Who would have thought? Well, this year, a few of the long-jump pros decided that long jump was boring and they did triple-jump or some running event instead, so that gave me more of a chance I guess. I could have gotten silver, I only needed a few more centimetres! But ah well. I'm more than content with the result considering I've never won anything in athletics before.

More updates to come. I feel an urgent need to dispose of unwanted substances from my body again. Off I go.

2009-03-24T14:54:00.001Z

today

i just feel like shit.

ajsdhaksjdhakjsdhkasjdhajksd.

2009-03-16T00:41:00.003Z

I am feeling extremely frustrated today. :(

I felt like ranting here for awhile, but then I figured that it doesn't really help with anything. *insert various cuss words here*

Anyway, I'm doing long jump and 800m for my house for athletics this term. For those people who know me, my athleticism hasn't suddenly increased tenfold; it's more of the fact that my house is a bit lacking in the talent department this time around.

Well, hopefully (and that's big fat -- and probably redundant -- amounts of hope) I won't end up embarrassing myself on the track and field.

A short one from me until I'm feeling better.

Little Shop of Horrors!

2009-03-05T00:41:00.006Z

I just finished my trials yesterday! I don't think I did particularly well this time around - firstly, because I had so little time to study two terms worth of work; secondly, I was having headaches throughout the three days that I had my exams. Mengwtfkan. Ah, well. I have three more months to prepare for the actual exam, so I figure I'll be fine by then.

Anyway, we had the musical a couple of weeks ago... and it was great! :D Most people remarked that it was the best production in KTJ by far because of the (I quote my housemaster) "strength and depth" of all the singers involved. I guess it is quite true because for Little Shop Of Horrors, we had plenty of decent singers. Usually, it's just one or two people who can sing and the rest are just... well, less musically inclined. Haha.

Agu (he's Nigerian) and I! We got the most applause from the audience, haha!

Playing the lead role was a lot of fun, although it did involve a lot of time and effort. Hopefully when I go to the UK, I'll still have a chance to do stuff like this.

Nobody's put up anything on the public server, so I haven't got a lot of good photos. I need to hunt for them though!

Clockwise from left: Agu, Asyraf (Siti Nurhaliza's stepson, who was the voice of the Plant), yours truly, Irena (who played Audrey, the female lead). Siti Nurhaliza complimented my performance! :D *beams*

Jean, me, Emily. I've been singing a lot more in KTJ since these two enrolled here. Haha.

Sigh. I miss singing the songs... but I certainly don't miss the exhausting 14-hour rehearsals. Hahaha. Well, it was all good fun while it lasted!

I promise a proper update soon!

freedom come!

2009-02-19T12:37:00.004Z

Sweet liberty, here I come!

When this Saturday is over, I'll finally be free (relatively speaking anyway)... the musical shows will be over, hence the last of my activities will be over for ...well, for the rest of my time in KTJ, probably. For the first time, I'm actually relieved because I'll have time to focus on my studies - something that I desperately need to do soon. And also, I'll be able to update this owner-forsaken blog more frequently. Haha.

So, tomorrow and the day after, I'll be shamelessly embarrassing myself on stage as an introverted guy with low expectations (my character thinks that "under the counter" makes a cozy sleeping area) and a strange man-eating plant.

Hello. I am plant. I eat man. I am plant that eat man. Chomp chomp.

For those who don't know, the musical's called Little Shop Of Horrors. It's been adapted as a movie before, but it's pretty old. Basically, it's about this loser dude (played by yours truly) who finds a bizarre plant which brings him fortune and fame because of how unusual it is. The only catch is that the plant survives on human blood and flesh. So yeah. From there onwards, the story develops. It's pretty tragic shit. Haha.

Forensics was last week - I didn't get terribly far with my OI piece. I'd performed John Rives's If I Controlled The Internet and only got as far as the semi-finals. Ah well, I did my best. And having a few people come up to me on the last day to exclaim their surprise at me not making the final six sort of made me feel better about my performance.

Valentine's Day was... I guess you could say it was the best that I've ever had, considering I've never had much reason to celebrate it in the past. This one had a very happy note to it. :)

Not going to reveal the details here, but let's just say that my attempts to make a Hollywood-like Valentine surprise -- despite not unfolding the way I'd originally planed -- turned out better than I thought! :D A VERY BIG THANK YOU goes out to everyone who participated in my sinister scheme, especially Tze Chiang, Steph, Emily, Aflaah and Cher Waye! And of course, thanks to Miss Belinda and Miss Sarah as well for helping me out with the cancellation of rehearsals and whatnot... though I doubt they even know about this blog.

Anyway, can't wait till Sunday! A day of doing absolutely nothing! Idleness is a rare luxury these days!

insert various swear words here.

2009-02-04T14:04:00.002Z

I am stressed.
I have too many things to do in too short a time.
Next week, I have inter-house football and Forensics.
Which means I have football training every couple of days.
Which also means I have to prepare for the Forensics.
My preparation for the Forensics is as good as shit.
I have to help out with the debate teams.
My OI is screwed because I cannot find a piece.
The week after that I have the musical production.
I am playing the lead role.
Which means I have rehearsals almost every day.
Sometimes more than once a day.
Also, my public holidays, exeats are all taken up by full-day rehearsals.
...While everyone is out having fun, fun, fun.
No, this is not an emo post.
I am just very stressed.
Extremely stressed.
Oh, I haven't memorised my lines or the lyrics of my songs for the musical.
I have about 10 songs.
I have a maths test next week.
I am falling behind in my academic work.
I have not done my laundry.
I am being crushed under the pressure of all this work.
But what is really really pissing the brains out of my ears right now is...

WHY DO PEOPLE NOT REPLY TEXT MESSAGES??!!?! KJSHDKSHDKJSHDKJHSDKHSDK. FUCK.

a short and mindless rant on a specific eating habit.

2009-01-27T03:02:00.008Z

Here's something that annoys the brains out of my ears: healthy eating. Everybody wants to have a healthy diet nowadays. Everybody wants to live a longer life. With the exception of prosperity, longevity is probably the most frequently used word that's associated with the current festive season of Chinese New Year.

And you know what's really annoying about all these healthy habits? The advice that people throw at you, that's what. You probably know random individuals - perhaps even your parents - who say things like the following on a daily basis: (please read with Malaysian accent)

Eat this, got a lot of fibre.
Eat this, got a lot of vitamin C.
Eat this, got a lottttt of antioxdants.

But above all, we have the mother of all advices, the ultimate advice, one advice to rule them all...

*drumroll*

.....Eat this, it prevents cancer!

*insert various swear words here*

We live in a cancer-obsessed society today. Or rather, a society which is obsessed with preventing cancer. Everybody wants to know what prevents cancer nowadays. Everybody's eating something for the sole reason that it prevents cancer. Every time when we want to indulge in a delectable (read: sinfully unhealthy) delicacy, there's bound to be somebody saying shit like, "Eh, don't eat so much. Later get cancer." This also cancer, that also cancer, everything also cancer! Meng-wtf-kan.

In fact, we're so obsessed with preventing cancer that if somebody told us that deep-fried kangaroo intestines could possibly prevent cancer, people will start hunting kangaroos, rip out their intestines, cook them and eat them. And eventually, some big corporation will have some kangaroo farm with genetically-modified kangaroos to have about 20% higher content of cancer-preventing agents. Pretty soon, we'll all be eating kangaroos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Screw the Australian ecosystem, preventing cancer's more important.

If you think I'm just ranting and raving, well, folks, I'm telling you it's already happening as we speak. Just walk down the aisle of the Food section of any departmental store, chances are, you'll find some product telling you how it helps prevent cancer.

And even if you don't, somebody's probably going to nudge you in the ribs and say, "Eh, you know what, you should take this. It prevents cancer." Everything prevents cancer nowadays! Wtf!

Anyway. Happy Chinese New Year to all the readers of this blog (if I still have any, considering my lack of updates). Hope you guys have a good one. Don't indulge your stomach too much this CNY... you might get cancer.